It was a cold and stormy night in Bethlehem. The wind swept the snow around to near blizzard conditions. Joseph and Mary, tired and cold, searched for a place where Mary could rest and give birth to their first child. Thankfully they finally reached an Inn
The innkeeper informed the couple that there were no longer any rooms available. However, seeing the position they were in, he offered them his manger. The manger was dark and smelly, but it kept out a good deal of the snow and cold. To brighten up their surroundings, Joseph hung a few colored lights around and plugged the cord into the nearest outlet.
Around the same time, but much further off, three wise men were following the North Star on there way to greet their savior at his birth. The sleigh was being pulled through the frosty night by a collection of reindeer, one of which had a strawberry birthmark on his nose.
In the sleigh was Saint Nick, wearing his warmest red jumpsuit. His nose and cheeks were rosy, he said from the cold, others just assumed he was drinking again. Next to him was a living snowman with an ornate black top hat. He spent most of the ride trying to keep his hat in place with arms made from twigs. The third wise man was merely a young drummer boy. Since the sleigh did not have a working radio he was there to keep everyone entertained on their ride to see their savior.
Mary could tell that it was only a matter of time before the baby was born. To make her more comfortable Joseph cut down a nearby tree and placed it near the colored lights hoping that the smell of the fresh tree would replace the smell of animal dung. Shortly there after Mary gave birth. Joseph not seeing a hint of himself in the newborn child's face quickly admonished Mary for cheating on him. Thinking fast, she told him it was the son of God.
Soon the jingling of the sleigh bells could be heard throughout Bethlehem. Santa, Frosty and the little drummer boy arrived at the manger. They brought presents, music and good cheer. They went from room to room at the inn singing songs proclaiming the birth of the savior. They made a fire to keep warm and spent the rest of the evening drinking milk, eating cookies and telling scary ghost stories.
Merry Christmas!
Sunday, December 19, 2010
Tuesday, November 16, 2010
Four Lokos, Darwinism & the Death of Acountability
Senator Charles Schumer (D-NY), after solving all other problems in the great state of New York, successfully turned his attention towards the banning of alcoholic beverages that contain caffeine, the most notable of these beverages is Four Loko. Four Loko, to put it bluntly, will fuck you up. I had one and I have to say it knocked me on my ass, however, I don't really see what the problem is with it.
Four Loko, like so many other things in this world, is fine if you don't act like an asshole. The problem being that too many people in this world act like assholes. Nine students from Central Washington University in Ellensburg, Washington (a university that only people who have attended Central Washington University have heard of) were hospitalized after drinking this devious beverage.
Not content with merely hospitalizing children, Four Loko went on to take a life. A Florida family is going to try to sue the devilish beverage company for the death of their 20 year old son. Their son, who was underage (as were the students at Central Washington University), drank at least three cans! What the fuck was he thinking?
This is Darwinism at its finest people. If you are dumb enough to chug three of these and put a loaded gun to your head, I'm not entirely sure what you'd add to society if you didn't kill yourself. And the fact that his parents are going to sue the makers of Four Loko is preposterous and another example of what is wrong with this country.
No one takes responsibility for their own actions anymore. Maybe Joe and Vicki Keiran should blame themselves for the fact that there son was an idiot, or maybe, and I know this will sound crazy, they should blame their son for being an idiot. Someone else is always at fault, aren't they? Tobacco companies gave me cancer, even though I've smoked since I was 15 and new the risks. KFC made me fat, even though I ate there every day knowing obviously that it isn't healthy. Starbucks made me burn my mouth because the HOT coffee I ordered was HOT!
I'd like to continue but I feel my blood pressure rising. Four Loko may come in colorful cans and various fruit flavors. They may have the equivalent of 6 beers and 2 cups of coffee. But these drinks aren't killing anyone. If you drink a few Four Lokos and take a swan dive off your roof you are doing society a favor by removing yourself from the gene pool...and it is your own damn fault.
Four Loko, like so many other things in this world, is fine if you don't act like an asshole. The problem being that too many people in this world act like assholes. Nine students from Central Washington University in Ellensburg, Washington (a university that only people who have attended Central Washington University have heard of) were hospitalized after drinking this devious beverage.
Not content with merely hospitalizing children, Four Loko went on to take a life. A Florida family is going to try to sue the devilish beverage company for the death of their 20 year old son. Their son, who was underage (as were the students at Central Washington University), drank at least three cans! What the fuck was he thinking?
This is Darwinism at its finest people. If you are dumb enough to chug three of these and put a loaded gun to your head, I'm not entirely sure what you'd add to society if you didn't kill yourself. And the fact that his parents are going to sue the makers of Four Loko is preposterous and another example of what is wrong with this country.
No one takes responsibility for their own actions anymore. Maybe Joe and Vicki Keiran should blame themselves for the fact that there son was an idiot, or maybe, and I know this will sound crazy, they should blame their son for being an idiot. Someone else is always at fault, aren't they? Tobacco companies gave me cancer, even though I've smoked since I was 15 and new the risks. KFC made me fat, even though I ate there every day knowing obviously that it isn't healthy. Starbucks made me burn my mouth because the HOT coffee I ordered was HOT!
I'd like to continue but I feel my blood pressure rising. Four Loko may come in colorful cans and various fruit flavors. They may have the equivalent of 6 beers and 2 cups of coffee. But these drinks aren't killing anyone. If you drink a few Four Lokos and take a swan dive off your roof you are doing society a favor by removing yourself from the gene pool...and it is your own damn fault.
Saturday, November 6, 2010
Same Old Jets?
Those of you who know me, know that I am a die-hard Jets fan. Though only 28, I have lived through a number of horrid seasons, players and coaches. I remember Ray Lucas, Glenn Foley, Rich Kotite and a promising season rupture with Testaverde's achilles heel. It is because of these reasons and more (damn you Doug Brien!) that after watching the Jets lose to the Packers I'm starting to get nervous.
The season started with a putrid 10-9 loss at home on MNF to the Ravens. It seemed as though the Jets preseason talk and bluster by Rex Ryan would amount to "...a tale told by an idiot, full of sound and fury, signifying nothing". Thankfully that was not the case.
After the first game loss the Jets went on a five game winning streak, going 3-0 in division games in the process. They headed into the bye week on the top of the world, and admittedly, so did I. I live and die with this team, it is the reason why Panda (my dog) hides for the better part of Jets games. I stomp around the house hurling dog toys, throwing up obscenities and calculating what I can punch in my house that won't break my hand, leave a mark on the object, and/or break. However, the way they limped onto the field against the Packers has me worried.
Much like a pound dog you bring home may flinch when you raise your hand due to past abuse, so do Jets fans when they see their team lose in a particularly pathetic way. The fluke INTs (HOW CAN THAT BE AN INTERCEPTION WHEN THE RECEIVER IS DOWN!), stalled drives, poor play calling and more, have some Jets fans asking themselves "are these the same old Jets?".
I'd like to say I'm confident going into week 9. I'd like to say that I believe the Jets are going to come and and trash the Lions, thus restoring my faith in the team and this season. I'd like to say all that, but I can't. Every loss has me wondering when the next shoe will drop. I hope I'm wrong, I hope history does not repeat itself and I hope, most importantly, that these aren't the same old Jets.
The season started with a putrid 10-9 loss at home on MNF to the Ravens. It seemed as though the Jets preseason talk and bluster by Rex Ryan would amount to "...a tale told by an idiot, full of sound and fury, signifying nothing". Thankfully that was not the case.
After the first game loss the Jets went on a five game winning streak, going 3-0 in division games in the process. They headed into the bye week on the top of the world, and admittedly, so did I. I live and die with this team, it is the reason why Panda (my dog) hides for the better part of Jets games. I stomp around the house hurling dog toys, throwing up obscenities and calculating what I can punch in my house that won't break my hand, leave a mark on the object, and/or break. However, the way they limped onto the field against the Packers has me worried.
Much like a pound dog you bring home may flinch when you raise your hand due to past abuse, so do Jets fans when they see their team lose in a particularly pathetic way. The fluke INTs (HOW CAN THAT BE AN INTERCEPTION WHEN THE RECEIVER IS DOWN!), stalled drives, poor play calling and more, have some Jets fans asking themselves "are these the same old Jets?".
I'd like to say I'm confident going into week 9. I'd like to say that I believe the Jets are going to come and and trash the Lions, thus restoring my faith in the team and this season. I'd like to say all that, but I can't. Every loss has me wondering when the next shoe will drop. I hope I'm wrong, I hope history does not repeat itself and I hope, most importantly, that these aren't the same old Jets.
Thursday, October 28, 2010
Top Gun 2
I just heard that Tony Scott is set to direct the sequel to the smash hit Top Gun. I'd like to throw my hat into the ring and provide Mr. Scott with a few ideas I had for Top Gun 2:Electric Boogalew.
Maverick (Tom Cruise) struggles with his sexuality while fighting Xenu for the necessary thetans to restore the woman he loves.
Iceman (Val Kilmer) is a fat and bloated shell of his former self. He lost his eyesight, but with the love and support of his girlfriend (Mira Sorvino) he gets an eye transplant and makes it his mission to get back into flying shape.
Goose (Anthony Edwards), living comfortably in heaven with the girl from the Lovely Bones, looks on in horror at the life his wife is leading (Meg Ryan). The unnecessary plastic surgery she gets in order to hold onto her fading youth is all the motivation he needs to contact Whoopi Goldberg to help him reach out to her from the great beyond.
Those are just a few ideas for now, but I'm sure I can think of more. We all know that the one thing this country needs right now is a 90 minute commercial for the air force. If you like what you read Mr. Scott, please don't hesitate to contact me!
Maverick (Tom Cruise) struggles with his sexuality while fighting Xenu for the necessary thetans to restore the woman he loves.
Iceman (Val Kilmer) is a fat and bloated shell of his former self. He lost his eyesight, but with the love and support of his girlfriend (Mira Sorvino) he gets an eye transplant and makes it his mission to get back into flying shape.
Goose (Anthony Edwards), living comfortably in heaven with the girl from the Lovely Bones, looks on in horror at the life his wife is leading (Meg Ryan). The unnecessary plastic surgery she gets in order to hold onto her fading youth is all the motivation he needs to contact Whoopi Goldberg to help him reach out to her from the great beyond.
Those are just a few ideas for now, but I'm sure I can think of more. We all know that the one thing this country needs right now is a 90 minute commercial for the air force. If you like what you read Mr. Scott, please don't hesitate to contact me!
Saturday, October 2, 2010
Smile, you're on candid camera!
I find myself having a hard time feeling any sympathy for the Rutgers Freshman who took a swan dive off the GWB. Suicide, regardless of the reasoning, is a cowardly and selfish act. I feel worse for his family then I do for him.
The reactionary world that we live in is working feverishly to point as many fingers possible at as many different people. The roommate, Rutgers, society, Glen Beck, the corpse of Tony Curtis. I happen to feel that, for whatever it is worth, that if his suicide was a reactionary response to the invasion of privacy and perhaps the embarrassment of the act, he would have probably killed himself closer to home.
You don't drive an hour through rush hour traffic to one of the busiest bridges in the world to kill yourself as a knee jerk reaction to one event. The people that video taped the kid are douche bags, I'm pretty sure we can all agree to that, but I sure hope they don't end up getting torn down over what amounts to a childish, idiotic, prank.
Can we all get back to more important matters now, like Boo-Gate?
The reactionary world that we live in is working feverishly to point as many fingers possible at as many different people. The roommate, Rutgers, society, Glen Beck, the corpse of Tony Curtis. I happen to feel that, for whatever it is worth, that if his suicide was a reactionary response to the invasion of privacy and perhaps the embarrassment of the act, he would have probably killed himself closer to home.
You don't drive an hour through rush hour traffic to one of the busiest bridges in the world to kill yourself as a knee jerk reaction to one event. The people that video taped the kid are douche bags, I'm pretty sure we can all agree to that, but I sure hope they don't end up getting torn down over what amounts to a childish, idiotic, prank.
Can we all get back to more important matters now, like Boo-Gate?
Thursday, September 23, 2010
Where have I gone?
So I haven't written a blog in roughly two months, my reason is one I am all too familiar with. This blog met the same fate as every other creative endeavor of mine. It found itself in good company with a half dozen stories and ideas that I started and stopped, all for the same reason.
I always seem to get to a point where I believe all my work will amount to nothing. Where some poeple write just for the joy they get by putting words on a screen, ideas into tangible sentences and paragraphs; my joy snuffed out by the belief that in the end it will all signify nothing.
It is hard, at least for me, to write when you feel as though nothing will come of it. I write a story and stop mid-way and I ask myself "who will end up reading this?", "will anything come of my time spent?", etc. I talk myself out of writing, I talk myself out of something I enjoy.
Hopefully the fact that I have come back to this blog and added a new entry to it, is a sign of change for me. Perhaps I will go back to those unfinished stories and finish them for me. Perhaps no one will read them, perhaps no one will read this, but does that really matter? I don't think it should.
I always seem to get to a point where I believe all my work will amount to nothing. Where some poeple write just for the joy they get by putting words on a screen, ideas into tangible sentences and paragraphs; my joy snuffed out by the belief that in the end it will all signify nothing.
It is hard, at least for me, to write when you feel as though nothing will come of it. I write a story and stop mid-way and I ask myself "who will end up reading this?", "will anything come of my time spent?", etc. I talk myself out of writing, I talk myself out of something I enjoy.
Hopefully the fact that I have come back to this blog and added a new entry to it, is a sign of change for me. Perhaps I will go back to those unfinished stories and finish them for me. Perhaps no one will read them, perhaps no one will read this, but does that really matter? I don't think it should.
Wednesday, July 14, 2010
Sarah Palin & Freedom-Loving Patriots
I like to keep on top of what is going on in the world. I don't sit and read the New York Times daily, but I'll take a gander at CNN when I'm at the gym and read any news story that catches my eye on the internet. Today the NAACP has officially accused the Tea Party of tolerating racism and bigotry. The so-called leader of the Tea Party, the woman who just won't go away aka Sarah Palin, issued a statement yesterday regarding the claims. It was too good not to share with the handful of people who read this...and mock.
"I am saddened by the NAACP’s claim that patriotic Americans who stand up for the United States of America’s Constitutional rights are somehow “racists.” The charge that Tea Party Americans judge people by the color of their skin is false, appalling, and is a regressive and diversionary tactic to change the subject at hand."
Really? "Tea Party Americans" is what we are calling them these days? Points for throwing in the word patriotic at the beginning too. If you don't throw that in there and label yourself as patriotic you can't later claim that it means those who disagree with you are then unpatriotic.
"President Reagan called America’s past racism “a legacy of evil” against which we have seen the long struggle of minority citizens for equal rights. He condemned any sort of racism, as all good and decent people do today. He also called it a “point of pride for all Americans” that as a nation, we have successfully struggled to overcome this evil."
Quick, someone think of the last Republican president that wasn't considered an all around failure! Also let me point out that I was totally unaware that racism ended in the mid 80s.
"I know how Tea Party Americans feel to be falsely accused. To be unjustly accused of association with what Reagan so aptly called that “legacy of evil” is a traumatizing experience, and one of which the honest, freedom-loving patriots of the Tea Party movement are truly undeserving."
I almost gagged when I read "freedom-loving partiots". Also another reminder that racism is over, and we should really not forget that. It has been over for nearly 20 years so I'm not sure why we still bring it up.
"Like President Reagan, Tea Party Americans believe that “the glory of this land has been its capacity for transcending the moral evils of our past.” Isn’t it time we put aside the divisive politics of the past once and for all and celebrate the fact that neither race nor gender is any longer a barrier to achieving success in America – even in achieving the highest office in the land?"
Someone should really tell her we have had a few presidents after Reagan. Maybe 20+ years is far enough in the past to seem sagely but not far enough to seem irrelevant and he is dead so he can't get pissed. Also, this entire organization seems to be rather fond of divisive tactics. I've seen the posters and heard some of the rhetoric, this party appeals to pretty much the lowest common denomintor...oops I mean "freedom-loving partiots".
"I just spent a few beautiful Alaskan days with some beautiful Americans in my husband’s birthplace – they are Todd’s family and they are Yupik Eskimo."
I can't be racist, I have non-white friends! She will be on the GOPs ballot in 2012, and that fact alone makes me believe maybe the Mayans were right.
"I am saddened by the NAACP’s claim that patriotic Americans who stand up for the United States of America’s Constitutional rights are somehow “racists.” The charge that Tea Party Americans judge people by the color of their skin is false, appalling, and is a regressive and diversionary tactic to change the subject at hand."
Really? "Tea Party Americans" is what we are calling them these days? Points for throwing in the word patriotic at the beginning too. If you don't throw that in there and label yourself as patriotic you can't later claim that it means those who disagree with you are then unpatriotic.
"President Reagan called America’s past racism “a legacy of evil” against which we have seen the long struggle of minority citizens for equal rights. He condemned any sort of racism, as all good and decent people do today. He also called it a “point of pride for all Americans” that as a nation, we have successfully struggled to overcome this evil."
Quick, someone think of the last Republican president that wasn't considered an all around failure! Also let me point out that I was totally unaware that racism ended in the mid 80s.
"I know how Tea Party Americans feel to be falsely accused. To be unjustly accused of association with what Reagan so aptly called that “legacy of evil” is a traumatizing experience, and one of which the honest, freedom-loving patriots of the Tea Party movement are truly undeserving."
I almost gagged when I read "freedom-loving partiots". Also another reminder that racism is over, and we should really not forget that. It has been over for nearly 20 years so I'm not sure why we still bring it up.
"Like President Reagan, Tea Party Americans believe that “the glory of this land has been its capacity for transcending the moral evils of our past.” Isn’t it time we put aside the divisive politics of the past once and for all and celebrate the fact that neither race nor gender is any longer a barrier to achieving success in America – even in achieving the highest office in the land?"
Someone should really tell her we have had a few presidents after Reagan. Maybe 20+ years is far enough in the past to seem sagely but not far enough to seem irrelevant and he is dead so he can't get pissed. Also, this entire organization seems to be rather fond of divisive tactics. I've seen the posters and heard some of the rhetoric, this party appeals to pretty much the lowest common denomintor...oops I mean "freedom-loving partiots".
"I just spent a few beautiful Alaskan days with some beautiful Americans in my husband’s birthplace – they are Todd’s family and they are Yupik Eskimo."
I can't be racist, I have non-white friends! She will be on the GOPs ballot in 2012, and that fact alone makes me believe maybe the Mayans were right.
Tuesday, June 22, 2010
Stop Me Before I Flop Again!
My World Cup 2010 experiment is still going strong. I honestly did not think I'd still be watching and following a week later. Granted the majority of my watching has been done via ESPN Gamecast since 90% of the games broadcast take place prior to me leaving work, but still, I'm following and interested.
Lots of tie games so far this World Cup, a lot of 0-0 finishes, it seems if you want to score goals you have to play against North Korea. Portugal whooped them 7-0, I think Portugal needs to watch the skies for incoming nukes now. The massive amount of tie games really hasn't taken away from me enjoying the matches, what has driven me nuts is all the flopping.
The last time I played soccer was during middle school gym class. I'm sure that if you are running down the field with the ball and a guy comes with a sliding tackle you may get tripped up and fall. However, guys have been throwing themselves on the ground like children. Guys are flying all over the field, tumbling to the ground and grabbing various body parts like they have been split in two. They look around to see if anyone is buying their act and if not they spring back up and sprint down the field.
I understand the idea of selling a foul, though I don't agree with it. The only time you should hit the turf and grab your femur is if you have a piece of it poking through your leg. The biggest offense was some player from Greece getting kicked in the leg. The other player was clearly in the wrong because he did straight up kick the Greek, however, after the kick he looked down at his leg, looked back up at the other player, grabbed his leg in pain and threw himself on the floor. It was horrid acting, and embarrassing.
I know soccer doesn't care whether or not they make fans out of the Americans, but if they do care, they should inform the world that a country that loves its NFL doesn't appreciate flopping.
Lots of tie games so far this World Cup, a lot of 0-0 finishes, it seems if you want to score goals you have to play against North Korea. Portugal whooped them 7-0, I think Portugal needs to watch the skies for incoming nukes now. The massive amount of tie games really hasn't taken away from me enjoying the matches, what has driven me nuts is all the flopping.
The last time I played soccer was during middle school gym class. I'm sure that if you are running down the field with the ball and a guy comes with a sliding tackle you may get tripped up and fall. However, guys have been throwing themselves on the ground like children. Guys are flying all over the field, tumbling to the ground and grabbing various body parts like they have been split in two. They look around to see if anyone is buying their act and if not they spring back up and sprint down the field.
I understand the idea of selling a foul, though I don't agree with it. The only time you should hit the turf and grab your femur is if you have a piece of it poking through your leg. The biggest offense was some player from Greece getting kicked in the leg. The other player was clearly in the wrong because he did straight up kick the Greek, however, after the kick he looked down at his leg, looked back up at the other player, grabbed his leg in pain and threw himself on the floor. It was horrid acting, and embarrassing.
I know soccer doesn't care whether or not they make fans out of the Americans, but if they do care, they should inform the world that a country that loves its NFL doesn't appreciate flopping.
Wednesday, June 9, 2010
I Got the Fever! (maybe)
World Cup Fever is in the air people, catch it while it's hot! Now I'll be the very first to admit that I have spent the majority of my time telling people that soccer sucks. I complain about the rules, the positions, the inability to use your hands, and the low scoring. However, all that aside, I'm going to try my hardest to come down with a case of World Cup Fever this year.
Soccer is "the beautiful game" or so I have heard. The entire world plays soccer, and if an alien race ever landed on Earth and challenged us to 1 game to decide our fate, you'd have to believe it would be a soccer match. Still, America rejects the sport, even going so far as to redub it soccer and invent another sport and call that Football. I don't want to hear about the fact that millions of kids play it in the US, it is easily the 5th most popular sport with the AFL nipping at its heels.
My reasoning for trying to catch the fever is based primarily on the fact that it gives me something to watch. Hockey and basketball are playing their respective finals. Since I'm a Ranger and Knicks fan, I usually don't have a rooting interest this time of year. Football is still a few months off, and you can only read so many articles devoted to the minutiae of your team (Pay Revis as much as he wants!). Lastly baseball is still chugging along in the pre All-Star break portion of the season. For many teams this is an exciting time of hope and possibilities. As a Yankee fan this is merely pre-postseason, I'll sit in front of a game with a beer and get pissed at every loss, but the real deal doesn't start into August.
But I digress, the World Cup starts June 11th and I'm going to try my hardest to get into it. I'll read the articles, catch the breakdowns, follow the scores and watch a few matches. Well, at least I'm going to try to do all that. Go USA!
Soccer is "the beautiful game" or so I have heard. The entire world plays soccer, and if an alien race ever landed on Earth and challenged us to 1 game to decide our fate, you'd have to believe it would be a soccer match. Still, America rejects the sport, even going so far as to redub it soccer and invent another sport and call that Football. I don't want to hear about the fact that millions of kids play it in the US, it is easily the 5th most popular sport with the AFL nipping at its heels.
My reasoning for trying to catch the fever is based primarily on the fact that it gives me something to watch. Hockey and basketball are playing their respective finals. Since I'm a Ranger and Knicks fan, I usually don't have a rooting interest this time of year. Football is still a few months off, and you can only read so many articles devoted to the minutiae of your team (Pay Revis as much as he wants!). Lastly baseball is still chugging along in the pre All-Star break portion of the season. For many teams this is an exciting time of hope and possibilities. As a Yankee fan this is merely pre-postseason, I'll sit in front of a game with a beer and get pissed at every loss, but the real deal doesn't start into August.
But I digress, the World Cup starts June 11th and I'm going to try my hardest to get into it. I'll read the articles, catch the breakdowns, follow the scores and watch a few matches. Well, at least I'm going to try to do all that. Go USA!
Thursday, June 3, 2010
Safe?
By now if you follow sports you know all about the call at 1st that cost Armando Galarraga a perfect game. Instant replay clearly showed that the ball hit the glove well before the runner made it to 1st, however Jim Joyce called the runner safe. It seems to me every year a controversial play leads to the public outcry of instant replay being a full time part of sports, and in my opinion the fact this is even up for debate is ridiculous.
Sports in America (I'm looking at you MLB & NFL) see themselves as almost religious institutions. Ballparks are referred to as cathedrals and the media and fans wax poetically about the halcyon days of the past. Sports figures are revered as saints, there deeds retold from generations to generation. The purity and sanctity of the games most be upheld at all costs! Enough is enough!
I understand that from the beginning of time umpires and refs were given supreme rule over the sporting arena, but times change. You can't honestly believe that to uphold the purity of the game is to have an umpire blow an obvious call and maintain that call even though seconds after it is made the entire stadium and nation were clearly able to see he was wrong. Football has instituted a two challenge rule that I'd explain in detail if it wasn't for the fact that I'm sure you all know what it is, and baseball now does it for controversial HR calls, but why stop there?
I understand that instituting across the board instant replay would slow down the pace of the game, but getting the call right is more important and it isn't like every call would need to be reviewed. It is re-donk-ulous to use the length of game argument, because it is an argument that goes out the window when your team loses a game because the refs and umps blow a controversial call.
I'm a Yankee fan and I realize that with across the board instant replay the phantom Jeter homerun might have changed Yankee lore forever if they were able to check the tape and see that Jeffrey Maier interfered with that play. It has come to the point where it isn't about individual teams but about the sport in general. Times change and sports need to change with them.
Sports in America (I'm looking at you MLB & NFL) see themselves as almost religious institutions. Ballparks are referred to as cathedrals and the media and fans wax poetically about the halcyon days of the past. Sports figures are revered as saints, there deeds retold from generations to generation. The purity and sanctity of the games most be upheld at all costs! Enough is enough!
I understand that from the beginning of time umpires and refs were given supreme rule over the sporting arena, but times change. You can't honestly believe that to uphold the purity of the game is to have an umpire blow an obvious call and maintain that call even though seconds after it is made the entire stadium and nation were clearly able to see he was wrong. Football has instituted a two challenge rule that I'd explain in detail if it wasn't for the fact that I'm sure you all know what it is, and baseball now does it for controversial HR calls, but why stop there?
I understand that instituting across the board instant replay would slow down the pace of the game, but getting the call right is more important and it isn't like every call would need to be reviewed. It is re-donk-ulous to use the length of game argument, because it is an argument that goes out the window when your team loses a game because the refs and umps blow a controversial call.
I'm a Yankee fan and I realize that with across the board instant replay the phantom Jeter homerun might have changed Yankee lore forever if they were able to check the tape and see that Jeffrey Maier interfered with that play. It has come to the point where it isn't about individual teams but about the sport in general. Times change and sports need to change with them.
Thursday, May 20, 2010
Story Time
It has been awhile since my last blog, but it just took me this long to think of something to write about. Hopefully my epic tale will cause a few people to chuckle at my horrible misfortune I'm about to detail. So without further ado...STORY TIME!
About five years ago I went on the single worst job interview of my entire life. The classified ad in the Star Ledger read "Sports Minded Marketing", it sounded like a perfect fit. I love sports and the marketing shit I could learn as I went along. Looking back I wish I never would have seen that ad.
The initial interview went well, he told me everything a fresh faced youngster would want to hear. They're officially licensed to sell goods of all major sports, including the sports entertainment world of WWE. They go to businesses and try to sell their goods, makes sense so far, hit up some mom and pop shop maybe and see if they want to do business with us. The job isn't 100% commission but it does factor into your salary, wasn't pleased with it but the job I was in I hated. Interview went well, they called me back that afternoon (RED FLAG!!!) to set up a second interview, where I'd ride along with one of their marketing reps.
I was going to roll with Johnny Mack or Mack to his buddies and some Asian kid whose name I can't remember. I pulled up bright and early in the morning to see these marketing people piling shit from a warehouse, which was also their office, into cars...their own cars. Mack is in his 50s, hair more gray than black, overweight and is wearing an ill fitting slacks and dress shirt, the latter with a stain on it. His car was a gray, 2 door sedan with hand crank windows and over 200 thousand miles on it.
I get in and he starts telling me about the job, which couldn't have sounded more different from the initial interview. Basically he spends his day driving around New Jersey going into businesses and trying to sell their goods to random people. We pull up to a laundry mat and he proceeds to pull an RV car, a Giants backpack and a Disney coloring book out of his trunk. We walk in and start soliciting the foreign women doing their laundry. From there we go to a Cash Checking establishment and a shitty convenience store before we are barred from hitting up Dress Barn and we hit the car to leave.
Next stop is this industrial area where one place we go to the guys there ask us if we are with the same company that sold them a shitty toy helicopter that broke after a few uses, even though Mack assured them we weren't they weren't biting on the RV car. We head further back and sell a backpack to two Hispanic gentlemen in a burned out shed who were doing something with metal. We are then kicked out of the same sweat shop twice by the foreman for trying to sell a coloring book to Mexican women working on giant showing machines. Before hitting the car we are almost attacked by a guard dog, thankfully his owner quieted him down, and I start to have an itchy hand which later turns out to be a spider bite.
We hit up McDonald's for lunch where Mack is nice enough to pay for my lunch. He then proceeds to order items off the dollar menu. Since one value meal would've cost more than his thrown together items I too order off the dollar menu. Mack was a dollar menunaire before those commercials even came out.
We head to a very urban area of NJ where we go to a Taxi depot, no one was cracking wise and Tony Danza was no where to be found. From there we go to a dog groomer where while Mack heads out to pick up batteries the owner goes to me "Hard job", so I ask her "Dog grooming?" and she goes "No, your job". I swear to her up and down I do not work for this company and never will.
Mack and I proceed to a barber shop where they are watching Chris Rock videos while guys are getting corn rows put in their hair. He is driving the RV car around while we both get dirty looks, I proceed to join them while they give dirty looks to Mack, even tough I know I look like just as much of a tool as he does. Our final stop is a florist shop run by some nice older people, they are talking with equally friendly and equally old customers. Mack proceeds to tell them I'm from Florida and this is my first time up north. When he walks away to talk to someone else and they ask me if I've ever been to the city I tell them he is a liar, I'm originally from NY and I have no idea why he said that.
The day ends with us driving back after I asked for the umpteenth time to go back to my car. I tell him outright I would never do this job and pretend to put his phone number in my cell and tell him that I'll call him. It might have been one of the worst days of my life, but certainly hilarious looking back on it. There are more small stories I could have thrown in there, but those can wait till another time.
The morally of the story is this...next time you think your job sucks, you could be driving around with Johnny Mack.
About five years ago I went on the single worst job interview of my entire life. The classified ad in the Star Ledger read "Sports Minded Marketing", it sounded like a perfect fit. I love sports and the marketing shit I could learn as I went along. Looking back I wish I never would have seen that ad.
The initial interview went well, he told me everything a fresh faced youngster would want to hear. They're officially licensed to sell goods of all major sports, including the sports entertainment world of WWE. They go to businesses and try to sell their goods, makes sense so far, hit up some mom and pop shop maybe and see if they want to do business with us. The job isn't 100% commission but it does factor into your salary, wasn't pleased with it but the job I was in I hated. Interview went well, they called me back that afternoon (RED FLAG!!!) to set up a second interview, where I'd ride along with one of their marketing reps.
I was going to roll with Johnny Mack or Mack to his buddies and some Asian kid whose name I can't remember. I pulled up bright and early in the morning to see these marketing people piling shit from a warehouse, which was also their office, into cars...their own cars. Mack is in his 50s, hair more gray than black, overweight and is wearing an ill fitting slacks and dress shirt, the latter with a stain on it. His car was a gray, 2 door sedan with hand crank windows and over 200 thousand miles on it.
I get in and he starts telling me about the job, which couldn't have sounded more different from the initial interview. Basically he spends his day driving around New Jersey going into businesses and trying to sell their goods to random people. We pull up to a laundry mat and he proceeds to pull an RV car, a Giants backpack and a Disney coloring book out of his trunk. We walk in and start soliciting the foreign women doing their laundry. From there we go to a Cash Checking establishment and a shitty convenience store before we are barred from hitting up Dress Barn and we hit the car to leave.
Next stop is this industrial area where one place we go to the guys there ask us if we are with the same company that sold them a shitty toy helicopter that broke after a few uses, even though Mack assured them we weren't they weren't biting on the RV car. We head further back and sell a backpack to two Hispanic gentlemen in a burned out shed who were doing something with metal. We are then kicked out of the same sweat shop twice by the foreman for trying to sell a coloring book to Mexican women working on giant showing machines. Before hitting the car we are almost attacked by a guard dog, thankfully his owner quieted him down, and I start to have an itchy hand which later turns out to be a spider bite.
We hit up McDonald's for lunch where Mack is nice enough to pay for my lunch. He then proceeds to order items off the dollar menu. Since one value meal would've cost more than his thrown together items I too order off the dollar menu. Mack was a dollar menunaire before those commercials even came out.
We head to a very urban area of NJ where we go to a Taxi depot, no one was cracking wise and Tony Danza was no where to be found. From there we go to a dog groomer where while Mack heads out to pick up batteries the owner goes to me "Hard job", so I ask her "Dog grooming?" and she goes "No, your job". I swear to her up and down I do not work for this company and never will.
Mack and I proceed to a barber shop where they are watching Chris Rock videos while guys are getting corn rows put in their hair. He is driving the RV car around while we both get dirty looks, I proceed to join them while they give dirty looks to Mack, even tough I know I look like just as much of a tool as he does. Our final stop is a florist shop run by some nice older people, they are talking with equally friendly and equally old customers. Mack proceeds to tell them I'm from Florida and this is my first time up north. When he walks away to talk to someone else and they ask me if I've ever been to the city I tell them he is a liar, I'm originally from NY and I have no idea why he said that.
The day ends with us driving back after I asked for the umpteenth time to go back to my car. I tell him outright I would never do this job and pretend to put his phone number in my cell and tell him that I'll call him. It might have been one of the worst days of my life, but certainly hilarious looking back on it. There are more small stories I could have thrown in there, but those can wait till another time.
The morally of the story is this...next time you think your job sucks, you could be driving around with Johnny Mack.
Tuesday, May 11, 2010
Who is the Greatest Action Hero?
The idea came to me at work, which means that today wasn't a total loss. I spend a good deal of my free time at work, when I have any, talking about movies. I love to quote movies, often randomly, so perhaps this topic should have come to mind a bit sooner. Who is the greatest action hero? Does this question even have an answer?
While smacking the idea around at work a couple of names sprang to mind. Now we aren't talking actors but rather the characters. We have Rambo, John McClane, Indiana Jones, James Bond and Jason Bourne. Now those are just a few that came to mind. For sake of sanity I've decided to omit superheroes because that would just devolve into a who can beat who in a fight type discussion and that isn't what this is about.
What makes this interesting is doing it by character, because there are some really great action movie actors but how memorable or kick-ass of a character have they played where they can crack the short completely incomplete list above? Jason Statham has made a name for himself with his action movies but is Frank Martin of The Transporter the greatest action hero ever? I'm going to have to say no.
I've had two people cast their vote for Indiana Jones and I must admit it is hard not to agree. Indiana Jones spent his time kicking the shit out of Nazis, breaking hearts and finding the lost treasures of the world. He was such a sustainable character that he has appeared in four movies, yes four, Kingdom of the Crystal Skull happened. Does he lose points for a disappointing movie or gain points for being so beloved that they brought him back in his fifties?
James Bond spent most of his time not really kicking ass all that much, but his latest incarnation certainly does. Can we really award him the honor for only two Bond movies that can really be called action packed? Rambo is a man against any army you name, where the first one was really a commentary regarding the treatment of Vietnam war vets that devolved into a brutal action packed ass kicking, the rest were merely excuses to get him to shoot the shit out of people.
Jason Bourne was based off Robert Ludlum books and in the movie he does beat a man with a newspaper if I'm not mistaken, that is pretty bad ass. They are recent movies so they haven't yet gotten that nostalgia factor but he is a very good candidate nonetheless.
I've been rambling so much I haven't even mentioned my vote. I give the nod to John McClane, the New York City cop who just continues to be in the wrong place at the wrong time. Some people complain about the over the top shit from the fourth movie, but I feel it was solid enough that it didn't take too much away from it, yes he took out a helicopter with a cop car but that was awesome! The guy spent an entire movie in an office building offing terrorists...barefoot! He stabbed a guy in the eye with an icicle in the second movie and he survives in Harlem wearing a sign that I can't even write here, not to mention offing Hans Gruber's brother.
So there you have it, hopefully this will spark some friendly debate. Yippee-ki-yay, motherfucker!
While smacking the idea around at work a couple of names sprang to mind. Now we aren't talking actors but rather the characters. We have Rambo, John McClane, Indiana Jones, James Bond and Jason Bourne. Now those are just a few that came to mind. For sake of sanity I've decided to omit superheroes because that would just devolve into a who can beat who in a fight type discussion and that isn't what this is about.
What makes this interesting is doing it by character, because there are some really great action movie actors but how memorable or kick-ass of a character have they played where they can crack the short completely incomplete list above? Jason Statham has made a name for himself with his action movies but is Frank Martin of The Transporter the greatest action hero ever? I'm going to have to say no.
I've had two people cast their vote for Indiana Jones and I must admit it is hard not to agree. Indiana Jones spent his time kicking the shit out of Nazis, breaking hearts and finding the lost treasures of the world. He was such a sustainable character that he has appeared in four movies, yes four, Kingdom of the Crystal Skull happened. Does he lose points for a disappointing movie or gain points for being so beloved that they brought him back in his fifties?
James Bond spent most of his time not really kicking ass all that much, but his latest incarnation certainly does. Can we really award him the honor for only two Bond movies that can really be called action packed? Rambo is a man against any army you name, where the first one was really a commentary regarding the treatment of Vietnam war vets that devolved into a brutal action packed ass kicking, the rest were merely excuses to get him to shoot the shit out of people.
Jason Bourne was based off Robert Ludlum books and in the movie he does beat a man with a newspaper if I'm not mistaken, that is pretty bad ass. They are recent movies so they haven't yet gotten that nostalgia factor but he is a very good candidate nonetheless.
I've been rambling so much I haven't even mentioned my vote. I give the nod to John McClane, the New York City cop who just continues to be in the wrong place at the wrong time. Some people complain about the over the top shit from the fourth movie, but I feel it was solid enough that it didn't take too much away from it, yes he took out a helicopter with a cop car but that was awesome! The guy spent an entire movie in an office building offing terrorists...barefoot! He stabbed a guy in the eye with an icicle in the second movie and he survives in Harlem wearing a sign that I can't even write here, not to mention offing Hans Gruber's brother.
So there you have it, hopefully this will spark some friendly debate. Yippee-ki-yay, motherfucker!
Saturday, May 8, 2010
In Defense of the Summer Blockbuster
I went with Lauren to see Iron Man 2 today and we both loved it, I intend to pick it up as soon as it becomes available on DVD and Bluray. Currently Iron Man 2 is enjoying a rating of 74% fresh at Rottentomatoes.com but if you gloss over the "fresh" comments you may notice a theme. The theme being that these people are expecting way too much from a fun superhero flick.
I know The Dark Knight has shown us that you can get more from a movie where a man dresses up in a costume and fights bad guys, but not every superhero movie needs to go that far. Granted without the proper cast, script or direction you can end up with Ghostrider or Daredevil, but the movie doesn't have to be a psychological profile on good and evil either.
Richard Corliss of Time Magazine writes "[Downey] gives Iron Man 2 its fascination. The rest is a cluttered, clattering toy story." Really? You are sitting down to write a review of a movie based off a comic book where a man dresses up in an iron suit and you're looking for what? Perhaps he can wax poetically regarding the fragility of life after he defeats a foe.
Lisa Schwarzbaum of Entertainment Weekly writes "Downey's head and heart are in the right place, but the movie is more in pieces than whole, and more about iron than about men." Again we have another critic who came into the theater who must have thought her ticket was for The English Patient 2. Rather than adapt to the film they are watching and critique it for what it is trying to bring to the table, we have another critic who is trying to stuff a fun filled summer movie into a mold that it simply wasn't made for.
Iron Man 2 was a fun, action packed movie. It was a sequel that complimented the first in every way. It didn't provide timeless scenes or thought provoking dialogue but it did provide a man in an armor suit kicking ass with rock music blaring. Also, Scarlett Johansson in a tight, black outfit. What more could you want from a summer movie?
I know The Dark Knight has shown us that you can get more from a movie where a man dresses up in a costume and fights bad guys, but not every superhero movie needs to go that far. Granted without the proper cast, script or direction you can end up with Ghostrider or Daredevil, but the movie doesn't have to be a psychological profile on good and evil either.
Richard Corliss of Time Magazine writes "[Downey] gives Iron Man 2 its fascination. The rest is a cluttered, clattering toy story." Really? You are sitting down to write a review of a movie based off a comic book where a man dresses up in an iron suit and you're looking for what? Perhaps he can wax poetically regarding the fragility of life after he defeats a foe.
Lisa Schwarzbaum of Entertainment Weekly writes "Downey's head and heart are in the right place, but the movie is more in pieces than whole, and more about iron than about men." Again we have another critic who came into the theater who must have thought her ticket was for The English Patient 2. Rather than adapt to the film they are watching and critique it for what it is trying to bring to the table, we have another critic who is trying to stuff a fun filled summer movie into a mold that it simply wasn't made for.
Iron Man 2 was a fun, action packed movie. It was a sequel that complimented the first in every way. It didn't provide timeless scenes or thought provoking dialogue but it did provide a man in an armor suit kicking ass with rock music blaring. Also, Scarlett Johansson in a tight, black outfit. What more could you want from a summer movie?
Saturday, May 1, 2010
No Country for This Man
I have spent a good portion of my life making fun of country music. The belt buckles, cowboy hats, sweet tea, gun racks, NASCAR, etc. When I met my wife the biggest difference wasn't that she was catholic and I wasn't, it was that she enjoyed country music and I found it revolting. Today I just bought tickets to see Tim McGraw and Lady Antebellum.
As I sit here listening to Tim McGraw on Pandora Radio I can't help but thinking how far I've come. I'm not a fan of country music, but lets say I am trying to appreciate it. If I had to point to when it started I would suppose when I met Lauren. If I let her pick what we listened to in the car it invariably would end up being country. I'd make fun of it, but I figured maybe I'd try to find some redeeming quality in it. It wasn't easy when you'd listen to a song like "She Thinks My Tractors Sexy" or "Indian Outlaw".
My parents were big into rock n' roll. I grew up on Clapton, The Beatles, Billy Joel, The Who, The Doors, Jethro Tull, Aerosmith, etc. Mixed in there were the Allman Brothers and Skynard which is where I think the bridge would be between rock and country. Rock wasn't invented by the Beatles, it came from the south, the blues, and somewhere along the line it moved north and became rock and stayed south and became country (that sounded right but I'm sure that isn't 100% accurate).
Just about 3 years of marriage and nearly 7 years together and I can listen to country music without pretending to gag or making believe I'm wearing a giant belt buckle with a steer on it. I can't say it was easy, but I also can't say I hate country music anymore. Hell maybe I'll pick up a cowboy hat for the concert, it would hide my receding hairline.
As I sit here listening to Tim McGraw on Pandora Radio I can't help but thinking how far I've come. I'm not a fan of country music, but lets say I am trying to appreciate it. If I had to point to when it started I would suppose when I met Lauren. If I let her pick what we listened to in the car it invariably would end up being country. I'd make fun of it, but I figured maybe I'd try to find some redeeming quality in it. It wasn't easy when you'd listen to a song like "She Thinks My Tractors Sexy" or "Indian Outlaw".
My parents were big into rock n' roll. I grew up on Clapton, The Beatles, Billy Joel, The Who, The Doors, Jethro Tull, Aerosmith, etc. Mixed in there were the Allman Brothers and Skynard which is where I think the bridge would be between rock and country. Rock wasn't invented by the Beatles, it came from the south, the blues, and somewhere along the line it moved north and became rock and stayed south and became country (that sounded right but I'm sure that isn't 100% accurate).
Just about 3 years of marriage and nearly 7 years together and I can listen to country music without pretending to gag or making believe I'm wearing a giant belt buckle with a steer on it. I can't say it was easy, but I also can't say I hate country music anymore. Hell maybe I'll pick up a cowboy hat for the concert, it would hide my receding hairline.
Sunday, April 25, 2010
This is Art?
Today Lauren and I went to see the Tim Burton exhibit at MoMA. I've enjoyed his movies and I have to say I thoroughly enjoyed his art work. I would attempt to describe his work in detail here but I am not an artist myself, nor do I know how to express what it is he does on a cogent manner to do it justice. What I will say is that if you enjoy his movies and the odd almost gothic look of them, you'd really enjoy this exhibit (which closes tomorrow, 4/26/10, and is more than likely sold out).
This was not the only exhibit at the famous MoMA, another prominent artist's work was on display, however I'm not sure how comfortable I am calling it art. Most people have been referring to it as "the naked exhibit" because it does have live naked people on display. It is an exhibit featuring the art of Marina Abramović, I'm not going to go into detail as to who she is because that is why we have Google and Wikipedia, though I will comment on a few bits of her work.
The first time you see her work when you walk into the museum is actually seeing her. It is an exhibit called The Artist is Present, and she is sitting in a wooden chair wearing a full length single color dress and staring across the table at anyone who wants to sit and be apart of the exhibit. Right from the get-go I'm already scratching my head. What about this is art? What is she trying to say and is it anything worth listening to? The visitor is allowed to do what they want but generally they do exactly what she is doing, sitting, staring across the table and not talking. They claim you can do whatever you want, a part of me wanted to wait in line to be able to sit there and talk about the NFL draft with her and see what her feelings were on the Jets trading Leon Washington for a 5th round pick, but I did not.
The next part of her exhibit is upstairs and is contains nudity, hooray! This was the most uncomfortable nudity I have ever witnessed. I wonder if that was the point, because as I walk into the room containing a nude woman on a wall with a square spotlight on her I'm completely baffled as to what to do. I don't want to make eye contact with her because what am I going to do, smile and say "hey"? Perhaps that is the point.
She has other work that does not involve nudity and are equally baffling. There is a 20 minute video of her eating a raw onion and lamenting about life. I'm not sure what the difference would be if I filmed myself eating a cupcake and talking about the weather, but what do I know? There is another video of her and her collaborator at the time yelling at each other, which is next to a video of them making out, which is around the corner from a video of her screaming while laying on a bed upside down. Confused yet?
The difficulty I have with this is that I'm not sure I would call it art. You can argue that my definition of art is narrow minded, which might be true. I have a very set definition in my head of what constitutes art, or at the very least what I believe constitutes art. To me, watching a nude man run into a giant rubber band until he can't go any further and then running back where he started and doing it all over again ad infinitum, this is not art.
In the end art is subjective and this is only one man's opinion. However, I can't help but think any one can do what this woman does, as long as they can do so with a straight face and come up with a convincing background story as to what it means. With that being said, come see my modern art exhibit which will be me laying in bed trying to fall asleep while explaining why I've never seen a Mighty Duck movie.
This was not the only exhibit at the famous MoMA, another prominent artist's work was on display, however I'm not sure how comfortable I am calling it art. Most people have been referring to it as "the naked exhibit" because it does have live naked people on display. It is an exhibit featuring the art of Marina Abramović, I'm not going to go into detail as to who she is because that is why we have Google and Wikipedia, though I will comment on a few bits of her work.
The first time you see her work when you walk into the museum is actually seeing her. It is an exhibit called The Artist is Present, and she is sitting in a wooden chair wearing a full length single color dress and staring across the table at anyone who wants to sit and be apart of the exhibit. Right from the get-go I'm already scratching my head. What about this is art? What is she trying to say and is it anything worth listening to? The visitor is allowed to do what they want but generally they do exactly what she is doing, sitting, staring across the table and not talking. They claim you can do whatever you want, a part of me wanted to wait in line to be able to sit there and talk about the NFL draft with her and see what her feelings were on the Jets trading Leon Washington for a 5th round pick, but I did not.
The next part of her exhibit is upstairs and is contains nudity, hooray! This was the most uncomfortable nudity I have ever witnessed. I wonder if that was the point, because as I walk into the room containing a nude woman on a wall with a square spotlight on her I'm completely baffled as to what to do. I don't want to make eye contact with her because what am I going to do, smile and say "hey"? Perhaps that is the point.
She has other work that does not involve nudity and are equally baffling. There is a 20 minute video of her eating a raw onion and lamenting about life. I'm not sure what the difference would be if I filmed myself eating a cupcake and talking about the weather, but what do I know? There is another video of her and her collaborator at the time yelling at each other, which is next to a video of them making out, which is around the corner from a video of her screaming while laying on a bed upside down. Confused yet?
The difficulty I have with this is that I'm not sure I would call it art. You can argue that my definition of art is narrow minded, which might be true. I have a very set definition in my head of what constitutes art, or at the very least what I believe constitutes art. To me, watching a nude man run into a giant rubber band until he can't go any further and then running back where he started and doing it all over again ad infinitum, this is not art.
In the end art is subjective and this is only one man's opinion. However, I can't help but think any one can do what this woman does, as long as they can do so with a straight face and come up with a convincing background story as to what it means. With that being said, come see my modern art exhibit which will be me laying in bed trying to fall asleep while explaining why I've never seen a Mighty Duck movie.
Tuesday, April 20, 2010
Is It Safe?
If there is a God I hope that she is a black, midget, lesbian. Basically it was the only thing I could think of that would really screw with all those ignorant scumbags who use the bible to persecute. What I'm really trying to say is it that this blog will have zero cohesion and might piss a person or two off.
I'm a firm believer in cruel and unusual punishment, I'd like for us to do away with the 8th Amendment. Nothing would make me happier than the brutal sodomizing of someone who killed another person because he or she was gay. Perhaps the forcible removal of a child molesters genitals with rusty pliers while they watch the Wiggles.
There are a few people in this world who if I saw them get hit by a car I'd get a good hearty belly laugh out of it. To further my point, if I saw a man get hit by a car while walking their dog I'd run to make sure the dog was okay first. I might not even get over to the guy to be honest.
I honestly like when I offend people. They say you get more bees with honey but that doesn't make any sense because I believe they are more interested in pollen. I get a rush when I know I've hit a nerve and it takes all of my will power not to continue poking at it.
I promise my next post will actually be coherent.
I'm a firm believer in cruel and unusual punishment, I'd like for us to do away with the 8th Amendment. Nothing would make me happier than the brutal sodomizing of someone who killed another person because he or she was gay. Perhaps the forcible removal of a child molesters genitals with rusty pliers while they watch the Wiggles.
There are a few people in this world who if I saw them get hit by a car I'd get a good hearty belly laugh out of it. To further my point, if I saw a man get hit by a car while walking their dog I'd run to make sure the dog was okay first. I might not even get over to the guy to be honest.
I honestly like when I offend people. They say you get more bees with honey but that doesn't make any sense because I believe they are more interested in pollen. I get a rush when I know I've hit a nerve and it takes all of my will power not to continue poking at it.
I promise my next post will actually be coherent.
Thursday, April 15, 2010
I Remember When You Were a Secretary
Looking at the calendar that we keep on our fridge I stumbled upon something that enraged me. April 21st used to be Secretary's Day, only that isn't the case anymore. No, it isn't even Administrative Assistant's Day. April 21st is Administrative Professional's Day! Are you fucking kidding me?
I am so tired with the PC world we live in where within a 20 year time span a person can go from being a Secretary to being an Administrative Professional. Two different names, same goddamn job, only one makes it sound like you do more important stuff than bring the boss his coffee and tell him he has a meeting at 3. When did this happen? When did people start making their job titles sound more important then they really are and when did sane people start letting them?
Do you know who picks up my trash? Not a Garbage Man but a Sanitational Engineer! I swear to science I wish I was making this up. How did someone get away with making this change? You pick up garbage, you work with garbage, you are a Garbage Man (and not Garbage Person, when was the last time you saw a woman on the back of one of those trucks?).
Did you know that the man or woman who creeps out your kids at school and puts sawdust on their throw up isn't a Janitor? Nope, he just provides Janitorial Services to the school. Also, the person who shows me how to inflate the life vest under my seat should I need it is a Flight Attendant and not a Stewardess. I'm literally making myself furious typing this blog.
When did our lives become hijacked by this high falutin bullshit language? It had to be within the last 20 years because I'm only 27 and I clearly remember a time before all this horse shit began. This was probably developed by the same people who told 500 pound messes of human waste that it wasn't their fault food is so good, and maybe they should sue the fast food joint.
I hate people...
I am so tired with the PC world we live in where within a 20 year time span a person can go from being a Secretary to being an Administrative Professional. Two different names, same goddamn job, only one makes it sound like you do more important stuff than bring the boss his coffee and tell him he has a meeting at 3. When did this happen? When did people start making their job titles sound more important then they really are and when did sane people start letting them?
Do you know who picks up my trash? Not a Garbage Man but a Sanitational Engineer! I swear to science I wish I was making this up. How did someone get away with making this change? You pick up garbage, you work with garbage, you are a Garbage Man (and not Garbage Person, when was the last time you saw a woman on the back of one of those trucks?).
Did you know that the man or woman who creeps out your kids at school and puts sawdust on their throw up isn't a Janitor? Nope, he just provides Janitorial Services to the school. Also, the person who shows me how to inflate the life vest under my seat should I need it is a Flight Attendant and not a Stewardess. I'm literally making myself furious typing this blog.
When did our lives become hijacked by this high falutin bullshit language? It had to be within the last 20 years because I'm only 27 and I clearly remember a time before all this horse shit began. This was probably developed by the same people who told 500 pound messes of human waste that it wasn't their fault food is so good, and maybe they should sue the fast food joint.
I hate people...
Monday, April 12, 2010
Stop Crying or I Will Give You Something to Cry About
I love melancholy music. I love it about as much as Ben Roethlisberger loves co-eds, octogenarians love Atlantic City and Jews love a good deal. There is something so visceral about a song that really hits on what it feels like to be hurting.
This realization of my affinity towards gut wrenching songs regarding love, loss, heartache and pain came while I was listening to the new CD I bought by The Airborne Toxic Event. I bought the CD after listening to the song "Sometime Around Midnight" which is about seeing your ex at a bar/club and seeing them happy with someone new. The pain in the words and the music accompanying them struck a cord somewhere in me.
I can just sit here and ramble off songs like: "I want you" by Elvis Costello, "Glass" by Ingrid Michaelson, "Hurt" by Johnny Cash (I know it is by NIN but I prefer this version), "Gathering Dust" by David Gray, "All for Layna" by Billy Joel, etc.
I think what it is about these songs, and the others I just didn't list, is that in my opinion, pain in all its forms is such a translatable feeling. What I mean is, conveying pain is something that is incredibly relatable, we all have been there, so it is easier to share that through music, movies, books, etc.
Basically I like being bummed out, for whatever psychological reason you can think of.
This realization of my affinity towards gut wrenching songs regarding love, loss, heartache and pain came while I was listening to the new CD I bought by The Airborne Toxic Event. I bought the CD after listening to the song "Sometime Around Midnight" which is about seeing your ex at a bar/club and seeing them happy with someone new. The pain in the words and the music accompanying them struck a cord somewhere in me.
I can just sit here and ramble off songs like: "I want you" by Elvis Costello, "Glass" by Ingrid Michaelson, "Hurt" by Johnny Cash (I know it is by NIN but I prefer this version), "Gathering Dust" by David Gray, "All for Layna" by Billy Joel, etc.
I think what it is about these songs, and the others I just didn't list, is that in my opinion, pain in all its forms is such a translatable feeling. What I mean is, conveying pain is something that is incredibly relatable, we all have been there, so it is easier to share that through music, movies, books, etc.
Basically I like being bummed out, for whatever psychological reason you can think of.
Thursday, April 8, 2010
Ashes to Ashes, Dust to Dust
I have had the unfortunate honor of attending numerous funerals. I have attended both Jewish and Christian funerals. I have been to Jewish unveiling ceremonies and I have been to wakes. Suffice it to say, my suit sees more cemeteries than ballrooms.
At a funeral I do more than just grieve for the person I have lost, I also do a lot of thinking. I can't help, and I just assume it must be human nature, to start thinking of my own mortality. I don't stop there, I also think about how I'd like my funeral to be held and what I'd like done with my body.
As I've mentioned in a previous post, I was born Jewish but do not practice. Lauren, my wife, is Catholic. This would seem to put a snag in joint burial plots. This got me thinking about alternate final resting places for my body. Cremation could be cool; so could turning my body into mulch (which I read in the book Stiff by Mary Roach).
What is more pressing to me would be the ceremony, more so than what is done with my body. I sit and listen to Rabbis and Priests drone on and on about stuff that I have zero interest in and to be honest I don't want it. I don't want some guy that never met me talking about my soul resting on a cloud with wings or whatever shit they'll come up with. I think it's bullshit and I don't want it. I think it would be much nicer to have a BBQ.
Prop me up near the grill in a Jets jersey or a Yankee cap and everyone have a good 'ole time at the park. Instead of some idiot talking about God's plan, I'd rather one of my friends drinking a beer and talking about the time I did or said something stupid. People always say that you should celebrate the life of the recently deceased but no one ever does it. We all wear dresses and suits and sit uncomfortably while drinking coffee or eating fruit or something.
I want a celebration when I go. Crack open a beer, eat a couple of burgers and hot-dogs, and have a good time. Why the fuck not? You only live once.
At a funeral I do more than just grieve for the person I have lost, I also do a lot of thinking. I can't help, and I just assume it must be human nature, to start thinking of my own mortality. I don't stop there, I also think about how I'd like my funeral to be held and what I'd like done with my body.
As I've mentioned in a previous post, I was born Jewish but do not practice. Lauren, my wife, is Catholic. This would seem to put a snag in joint burial plots. This got me thinking about alternate final resting places for my body. Cremation could be cool; so could turning my body into mulch (which I read in the book Stiff by Mary Roach).
What is more pressing to me would be the ceremony, more so than what is done with my body. I sit and listen to Rabbis and Priests drone on and on about stuff that I have zero interest in and to be honest I don't want it. I don't want some guy that never met me talking about my soul resting on a cloud with wings or whatever shit they'll come up with. I think it's bullshit and I don't want it. I think it would be much nicer to have a BBQ.
Prop me up near the grill in a Jets jersey or a Yankee cap and everyone have a good 'ole time at the park. Instead of some idiot talking about God's plan, I'd rather one of my friends drinking a beer and talking about the time I did or said something stupid. People always say that you should celebrate the life of the recently deceased but no one ever does it. We all wear dresses and suits and sit uncomfortably while drinking coffee or eating fruit or something.
I want a celebration when I go. Crack open a beer, eat a couple of burgers and hot-dogs, and have a good time. Why the fuck not? You only live once.
Saturday, April 3, 2010
Is George Michael Right?
Do you "gotta have faith"? Millions of people believe that you do, that faith and religion are the cornerstones for morality, beauty, kindness and good will. However, there are those who would disagree, those who believe one doesn't need faith or religion to be a good person, and that religion, faith, God; they're just funny little stories about things that happened a long time ago...like Star Wars.
I was born into a Jewish household, I celebrated the holidays and had a bar-mitzvah. In college I began to question my belief system, like many do. I read up on Catholicism and even gave it serious consideration. However by the time my four years at Rutgers were over, I did not emerge as a Jew for Jesus, a Catholic, or as a young man with a stronger belief in Judaism. Nope, I emerged as an Agnostic.
Why Agnostic and not Atheist? I've given that some thought and much like I was never able to fully put 100% of myself into a given religion, I can't put a full 100% of myself into the firm believe that there is no higher power. I don't believe in signs or markings. I can't point to events in my life where only one set of footprints were in the sand, because it was then that I was being carried (I chuckled typing that).
I like to think of myself as a good person (hear me out). Though I talk a big game I still hold doors for people, have given up my seat to the elderly, smile whenever I hear a baby laugh, etc, etc. I'm not the anti-christ (cause there never was a Christ?) and I don't worship Satan (seriously, red guy with horns?). I don't need religion to be a good person. I don't need faith to know what the right or wrong thing is. Do you know how many wrong things were done in the name of religion? To name a few off the top of my head: Spanish Inquisition, The Crusades, 9/11, the killing of Matthew Shepard & George Tiller, etc, etc.
I'm not attacking religion, and I don't sit at Barnes and Noble by the religion section scoffing at anyone picking up a Left Behind book. The fact is I don't know and I believe I may never know. The idea of faith is a nice one, and I always feel that it must be very comforting during difficult times, but it was always during difficult times that I found it even harder to have faith. When things are hurtling out of control I believe that is the time you need to dig in deeper within yourself, not let yourself go to the will of God, Yahweh, Jesus, Muhammad (please don't kill me), Buddha, or anyone else.
Do you "gotta have faith"? Maybe in yourself but not necessarily in a higher power.
I was born into a Jewish household, I celebrated the holidays and had a bar-mitzvah. In college I began to question my belief system, like many do. I read up on Catholicism and even gave it serious consideration. However by the time my four years at Rutgers were over, I did not emerge as a Jew for Jesus, a Catholic, or as a young man with a stronger belief in Judaism. Nope, I emerged as an Agnostic.
Why Agnostic and not Atheist? I've given that some thought and much like I was never able to fully put 100% of myself into a given religion, I can't put a full 100% of myself into the firm believe that there is no higher power. I don't believe in signs or markings. I can't point to events in my life where only one set of footprints were in the sand, because it was then that I was being carried (I chuckled typing that).
I like to think of myself as a good person (hear me out). Though I talk a big game I still hold doors for people, have given up my seat to the elderly, smile whenever I hear a baby laugh, etc, etc. I'm not the anti-christ (cause there never was a Christ?) and I don't worship Satan (seriously, red guy with horns?). I don't need religion to be a good person. I don't need faith to know what the right or wrong thing is. Do you know how many wrong things were done in the name of religion? To name a few off the top of my head: Spanish Inquisition, The Crusades, 9/11, the killing of Matthew Shepard & George Tiller, etc, etc.
I'm not attacking religion, and I don't sit at Barnes and Noble by the religion section scoffing at anyone picking up a Left Behind book. The fact is I don't know and I believe I may never know. The idea of faith is a nice one, and I always feel that it must be very comforting during difficult times, but it was always during difficult times that I found it even harder to have faith. When things are hurtling out of control I believe that is the time you need to dig in deeper within yourself, not let yourself go to the will of God, Yahweh, Jesus, Muhammad (please don't kill me), Buddha, or anyone else.
Do you "gotta have faith"? Maybe in yourself but not necessarily in a higher power.
Wednesday, March 31, 2010
Could you spell that?
I was going to start this blog by apologizing in advance for what I'm about to say, however now I realize I just don't care if I offend anyone. I am tired of people giving their kids stupid names. I'm not talking about someone with a name that just has a different spelling like Brian or Bryan. I'm talking about people who name their kids Shonn instead of Sean.
What the hell is the matter with people? You have idiots naming children after fruit like Chris Martin (I still love you band) and Gwyneth Paltrow (where have you gone?) naming their kid Apple. For the love of science! But even that isn't as bad, in my opinion, as naming your child a regular name but spelled like you clearly have no grasp on the English language. I haven't met a Fillup or a Raburt yet, but I'm sure one day I will.
Can someone please get these parents a dictionary or hooked on phonics? I work with a woman, if you work with her also just remember I don't dislike her, I just think her name is dumb, whose name is Saffiyyah. I will type that again lest you think I had a seizure while typing it the first time. Her name is not Sophia...it is Saffiyyah. What the fuck! If you are writing out the birth certificate and the parents go "We want to name our baby Saffiyyah" you have only one response "No". No you cannot name your fucking daughter that, what is the matter with you?!?!
I'm also enraged by people with names such as Jamarcus, Desean, Lashawn, etc. When did it become perfectly acceptable to just add a Ja, De, La at the beginning of a name. I'm glad I'm not a teacher because if Jarobert walked into my class I'd have to tell him to leave and not come back until his name was Robert.
"Jordan stop it, you're being racist"...am I? I don't think I am. I don't think race comes into play here. Just ask Jason Lee's son Pilot Inspektor or perhaps Bronx Mowgli Wentz. No race isn't the issue, ignorance is and ignorance my dear readers, does not care what color you are.
What the hell is the matter with people? You have idiots naming children after fruit like Chris Martin (I still love you band) and Gwyneth Paltrow (where have you gone?) naming their kid Apple. For the love of science! But even that isn't as bad, in my opinion, as naming your child a regular name but spelled like you clearly have no grasp on the English language. I haven't met a Fillup or a Raburt yet, but I'm sure one day I will.
Can someone please get these parents a dictionary or hooked on phonics? I work with a woman, if you work with her also just remember I don't dislike her, I just think her name is dumb, whose name is Saffiyyah. I will type that again lest you think I had a seizure while typing it the first time. Her name is not Sophia...it is Saffiyyah. What the fuck! If you are writing out the birth certificate and the parents go "We want to name our baby Saffiyyah" you have only one response "No". No you cannot name your fucking daughter that, what is the matter with you?!?!
I'm also enraged by people with names such as Jamarcus, Desean, Lashawn, etc. When did it become perfectly acceptable to just add a Ja, De, La at the beginning of a name. I'm glad I'm not a teacher because if Jarobert walked into my class I'd have to tell him to leave and not come back until his name was Robert.
"Jordan stop it, you're being racist"...am I? I don't think I am. I don't think race comes into play here. Just ask Jason Lee's son Pilot Inspektor or perhaps Bronx Mowgli Wentz. No race isn't the issue, ignorance is and ignorance my dear readers, does not care what color you are.
Monday, March 29, 2010
Ha Ha You're Dead
Is there anything more tragic and hilarious than death? It is rhetorical question so please don't think about that for more than a few seconds. I'm sure I've lost a few of you already, no one really believes death can be hilarious, but if you'll give me a few moments of your time perhaps I can change your opinion.
My first example is Steve "Crocodile Hunter" Irwin. His death really upset a lot of people, none more so than his wife and daughter (who he dangled above the jaws of a croc). Now you may be wondering what is so hilarious about his death and I'll tell you. The man who spent his life poking crocs in the nose and grabbing them by their tails was taken about by a stingray. According to KGB there have been 17! The self proclaimed "Crocodile Hunter" was taken out by an animal that killed 16 people prior to taking him out. No apologies here, that is just funny.
My next example is the the Darwin Award. The award that is given out annually to the person with the funniest death brought on by his or her stupidity that thankfully removed them from the gene pool. Going to DarwinAwards.com you can tickle your funny bone at the hilarious way people have sprung themselves from this mortal coil. I just got finished reading one about a man who decided to see if his new jacket was "stab-proof". Guess what? It wasn't! Come on, that is funny.
My final example isn't a death that is necessarily funny in and of itself, but funny on a case by case basis. This last example is for the truly twisted at heart. Everyone has someone that they hate, someone who's very existence makes your skin crawl. I refuse to believe that if you found out they flipped their 4 door into a ditch you wouldn't chuckle a bit. No? Well maybe this last paragraph is very the black hearts like myself. Hell forget someone you know and hate. Who hasn't seen some ass flying down the highway in the pouring rain or a blizzard and not thought something terrible that ended with him being ejected from his seat and into a tree. Still no?
Perhaps it is best that I quit while I'm behind before I start giving people reason to unsubscribe.
My first example is Steve "Crocodile Hunter" Irwin. His death really upset a lot of people, none more so than his wife and daughter (who he dangled above the jaws of a croc). Now you may be wondering what is so hilarious about his death and I'll tell you. The man who spent his life poking crocs in the nose and grabbing them by their tails was taken about by a stingray. According to KGB there have been 17! The self proclaimed "Crocodile Hunter" was taken out by an animal that killed 16 people prior to taking him out. No apologies here, that is just funny.
My next example is the the Darwin Award. The award that is given out annually to the person with the funniest death brought on by his or her stupidity that thankfully removed them from the gene pool. Going to DarwinAwards.com you can tickle your funny bone at the hilarious way people have sprung themselves from this mortal coil. I just got finished reading one about a man who decided to see if his new jacket was "stab-proof". Guess what? It wasn't! Come on, that is funny.
My final example isn't a death that is necessarily funny in and of itself, but funny on a case by case basis. This last example is for the truly twisted at heart. Everyone has someone that they hate, someone who's very existence makes your skin crawl. I refuse to believe that if you found out they flipped their 4 door into a ditch you wouldn't chuckle a bit. No? Well maybe this last paragraph is very the black hearts like myself. Hell forget someone you know and hate. Who hasn't seen some ass flying down the highway in the pouring rain or a blizzard and not thought something terrible that ended with him being ejected from his seat and into a tree. Still no?
Perhaps it is best that I quit while I'm behind before I start giving people reason to unsubscribe.
Friday, March 26, 2010
10 Years Later (60 Fox Years)
My 10 year high school reunion is set for September of this year. I have to say the idea that I've been out of high school for 10 years is nauseating. People say high school is the best 4 years of your life. The only problem with that is most people are dumb. If high school was the best 4 years of my life then excuse me while hang myself from my balcony.
I spent the majority of my high school years keeping mostly to myself. That isn't to say I didn't have any friends, but I certainly wasn't having the time of my life. Riddled with self-esteem issues, and generally just depressed, my first 3 years I was a ghost. It wasn't until senior year that I finally opened up.
I'm sure if you asked me then I could pinpoint exactly what it was that made me decide to say "fuck it" and be myself, but now I can't remember. I became a Peer Leader my senior year, and maybe it was during our peer retreat that I finally opened up. Whatever the case may be, it was in my last year in high school that I finally was enjoying myself. I made a bunch of friends, went to parties, stayed out late, drank beer, kissed a few girls (unfortunately when I say "few" I really mean "few") and finally was a teenager. My senior year was a blast, I made a lot of friends and maintained a few of those friendships beyond high school. Sucks that I took so long to open up but I'm glad that I finally did.
They weren't the best 4 years of my life, and my senior year wasn't even the best year of my life. Basically high school was a time in my life, filled with people and places I won't soon forget. I'm such a different person now then I was then and I've grown so much that the idea of going back in time to reminisce doesn't seem all that inviting.
A decade is a long time, and the man I am today bears little resemblance to the boy I was then. I fear I'm losing my point, and perhaps I can blame that on the beer. When it comes to high school I regret spending so much of it hiding from the world, and maybe I just don't want to see people who remember me as the Jordan I'd like to forget.
I spent the majority of my high school years keeping mostly to myself. That isn't to say I didn't have any friends, but I certainly wasn't having the time of my life. Riddled with self-esteem issues, and generally just depressed, my first 3 years I was a ghost. It wasn't until senior year that I finally opened up.
I'm sure if you asked me then I could pinpoint exactly what it was that made me decide to say "fuck it" and be myself, but now I can't remember. I became a Peer Leader my senior year, and maybe it was during our peer retreat that I finally opened up. Whatever the case may be, it was in my last year in high school that I finally was enjoying myself. I made a bunch of friends, went to parties, stayed out late, drank beer, kissed a few girls (unfortunately when I say "few" I really mean "few") and finally was a teenager. My senior year was a blast, I made a lot of friends and maintained a few of those friendships beyond high school. Sucks that I took so long to open up but I'm glad that I finally did.
They weren't the best 4 years of my life, and my senior year wasn't even the best year of my life. Basically high school was a time in my life, filled with people and places I won't soon forget. I'm such a different person now then I was then and I've grown so much that the idea of going back in time to reminisce doesn't seem all that inviting.
A decade is a long time, and the man I am today bears little resemblance to the boy I was then. I fear I'm losing my point, and perhaps I can blame that on the beer. When it comes to high school I regret spending so much of it hiding from the world, and maybe I just don't want to see people who remember me as the Jordan I'd like to forget.
Wednesday, March 24, 2010
The Kindel Konundrum
As we continue to hurtle head first through the 21st century (sans the flying car!) we are bound to come up against technological and scientific advancements that make us feel uncomfortable, or challenge our beliefs. For some it may be Stem Cell research or movies in 3D. For me, it is the Kindel (or the Nook).
I love reading. I generally try to have a few books lined up to begin reading right after I finish the book I'm currently working on, and I'm always currently reading a book (The Kindly Ones by Jonathan Littell). I love going into bookstores and walking down aisle after aisle of beautiful books. I love the feel of books and the smell of books. I'm a purist who one day wants nothing more than an entire room devoted to mine and Lauren's books. Perhaps with a cushy green chair where I can sip my bourbon while enjoying a good read.
However, I'm a big fan of technology and when someone today decided to talk to me today about the Kindel she recently received I was intrigued. I won't bore you with all the things it can do beyond replacing a book, but it certainly gave me something to think about. Why had I been so quick to dismiss a new electronic toy? A new electronic toy that could put a book I want right at my fingertips when I want it faster than a trip to the bookstore and for less money!
Well my droogs, I certainly gave myself a lot to think about on my way home from work. The bottom line being, Amazon.com cannot replace the fun I have walking through a bookstore. You may know what you want when you walk in there, but leave with something completely different, or with the book you wanted along with five others. The search for a new book or a new author is part of the fun. Something which I feel is lost as you hit the NEXT button while sitting in your underwear at your desk.
Think of me what you will, but when it comes to reading, cut me down a tree.
I love reading. I generally try to have a few books lined up to begin reading right after I finish the book I'm currently working on, and I'm always currently reading a book (The Kindly Ones by Jonathan Littell). I love going into bookstores and walking down aisle after aisle of beautiful books. I love the feel of books and the smell of books. I'm a purist who one day wants nothing more than an entire room devoted to mine and Lauren's books. Perhaps with a cushy green chair where I can sip my bourbon while enjoying a good read.
However, I'm a big fan of technology and when someone today decided to talk to me today about the Kindel she recently received I was intrigued. I won't bore you with all the things it can do beyond replacing a book, but it certainly gave me something to think about. Why had I been so quick to dismiss a new electronic toy? A new electronic toy that could put a book I want right at my fingertips when I want it faster than a trip to the bookstore and for less money!
Well my droogs, I certainly gave myself a lot to think about on my way home from work. The bottom line being, Amazon.com cannot replace the fun I have walking through a bookstore. You may know what you want when you walk in there, but leave with something completely different, or with the book you wanted along with five others. The search for a new book or a new author is part of the fun. Something which I feel is lost as you hit the NEXT button while sitting in your underwear at your desk.
Think of me what you will, but when it comes to reading, cut me down a tree.
Monday, March 22, 2010
No Apology
I am so tired of celebrity apologies that end with them checking themselves into rehab. First off you don't owe me an apology, because I don't care what you do unless I have you in some celebrity death pool and secondly it is insincere PR bullshit.
Let me start with Tiger, because he obviously is the most recent celebrity to issue an apology. An apology that honestly had the sincerity of my wife, Lauren, reading me our shopping list. Re-watch the video, even his mother knew it was a shitty apology. Tiger then checks himself into a rehab for sex addiction. I don't have a degree in psychology so I'm not going to say you can't be addicted to sex, but really Tiger?
I think I would've had more respect for him if he came out and said he was a scumbag who didn't respect his wife or his family enough to keep it in his pants or ask for a divorce. I don't care if he is banging midgets and donkeys on the back 9 while Daly takes bets on who will finish first, just don't expect me to believe your horseshit apology and sex addiction excuse.
Mel Gibson, you hate Jews. It has nothing to do with being addicted to alcohol, and as far as I know there is no Jew hating rehab facility. "Jews start all the wars" is not something I heard while getting drunk with my friends, so I'm going to go out on a limb and say alcohol doesn't make you anti-semitic. You hated Jews before you took that last shot of jager and you hated them after you sobered up. As Mr. Fox would say, in your apology you decided to "blame it on the a-a-a-a-a-alcohol"
Last but not least I'd like to quickly mention Michael "Kramer" Richards. You blamed your racial tirade against blacks on the fact that you "went into a rage". I'm a very angry man myself, ask anyone who has ever driven with me. However, if you get angry and your first instinct is to throw out the N-word and talk about lynching black people...you might be a racist. Admit it, and then do some tour dates in Alabama and Mississippi.
The moral of the story is this. If I had a blog sooner all of these examples would be more relevant, stop blaming shit on everything else but yourself and knock off these bullshit apologies.
Let me start with Tiger, because he obviously is the most recent celebrity to issue an apology. An apology that honestly had the sincerity of my wife, Lauren, reading me our shopping list. Re-watch the video, even his mother knew it was a shitty apology. Tiger then checks himself into a rehab for sex addiction. I don't have a degree in psychology so I'm not going to say you can't be addicted to sex, but really Tiger?
I think I would've had more respect for him if he came out and said he was a scumbag who didn't respect his wife or his family enough to keep it in his pants or ask for a divorce. I don't care if he is banging midgets and donkeys on the back 9 while Daly takes bets on who will finish first, just don't expect me to believe your horseshit apology and sex addiction excuse.
Mel Gibson, you hate Jews. It has nothing to do with being addicted to alcohol, and as far as I know there is no Jew hating rehab facility. "Jews start all the wars" is not something I heard while getting drunk with my friends, so I'm going to go out on a limb and say alcohol doesn't make you anti-semitic. You hated Jews before you took that last shot of jager and you hated them after you sobered up. As Mr. Fox would say, in your apology you decided to "blame it on the a-a-a-a-a-alcohol"
Last but not least I'd like to quickly mention Michael "Kramer" Richards. You blamed your racial tirade against blacks on the fact that you "went into a rage". I'm a very angry man myself, ask anyone who has ever driven with me. However, if you get angry and your first instinct is to throw out the N-word and talk about lynching black people...you might be a racist. Admit it, and then do some tour dates in Alabama and Mississippi.
The moral of the story is this. If I had a blog sooner all of these examples would be more relevant, stop blaming shit on everything else but yourself and knock off these bullshit apologies.
Sunday, March 21, 2010
It was the best of times, it was the BLURST of times?!
How lucky you are to have stumbled upon my very first blog post. Allow me to start off by saying this blog is not for the easily offended, mainly because one of my hobbies is to offend people. As of right now I don't foresee any structure to this blog, so be prepared to just read about whatever happens to be on my mind.
Do you ever want to intentionally t-bone someone with your car? I really enjoy driving but I cannot stand every other person on the road. If you think you can talk on your cell phone, take a bite of your muffin, load a new DVD in for your brats in the backseat and still drive perfectly fine you're wrong, you can't. Honestly, I want to pull you from your car and hit you in front of your children.
Well I think that is a wonderful jumping off point for my very first blog. Probably will lose a couple of possible readers right off the bat. Bonus points to anyone who recognizes the title to my first blog.
Do you ever want to intentionally t-bone someone with your car? I really enjoy driving but I cannot stand every other person on the road. If you think you can talk on your cell phone, take a bite of your muffin, load a new DVD in for your brats in the backseat and still drive perfectly fine you're wrong, you can't. Honestly, I want to pull you from your car and hit you in front of your children.
Well I think that is a wonderful jumping off point for my very first blog. Probably will lose a couple of possible readers right off the bat. Bonus points to anyone who recognizes the title to my first blog.
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