Batman & Robin or: Why Did I Sit Down to Watch This?

A few days ago I got the urge to watch Batman & Robin again, the 1997 movie directed by Joel Schumacher and starring George Clooney.  The last time I had seen the movie was when it came out, don't judge me I was 15 years old at the time and I didn't know that it was going to be that bad.  Maybe a year ago I stumbled upon a four pack for under $10 at Costco of the Batman movies, it included: Batman, Batman Returns, Batman Forever and Batman & Robin. 

I came to the conclusion that if I was going to subject myself to this terrible movie a second time that at the very least I would get a blog out of it.  I decided I'd try to find things that others have not yet found in the movie, nuggets of awfulness or surprising bright spots.  I set out to write a pros versus cons list for the movie that killed that Batman franchise.  There were no pros so instead here are 5 cons.

#1 Campy without being fun
There is nothing wrong with setting out to make a campy movie, I love the Adam West Batman.  The problem they ran into here is that it was campy without any of the fun that the 1966 movie and 60s TV show brought to the table 

Never leave the cave without it

When Batman pulls out his GothCard with its expiration date of FOREVER I'm assuming the audience was supposed to get a good chuckle out of it.  That bit of awfulness is actually overshadowed by the various cartoon sounds that accompany nearly every fight scene.

#2 Mr. Freeze
I know it has been mentioned before but it is too glaring not to point out.  I'm fairly certain not a single line is uttered by Mr. Freeze that is not a pun.  Not one. 

Freeze! Chill! Cool out! Ice to see you!

Read the script, re-watch the movie, I swear to you not a single line uttered by Mr. Freeze did not contain a terrible pun that would've made Burt Ward roll his eyes.

Holy shitty writing Batman!

#3 Uma Thurman
Above I pointed to Mr. Freeze as being terrible but not Arnold and the reason for that is because Arnold doesn't really act in any movie he has been in.  All of his characters sound the same because apparently decades in the United States can't do away with that thick Austrian accent.  The moment Uma Thurman becomes Poison Ivy she talks like someone doing a bad impression of what women in the 1930s talked like. 

#4 The Story
Alfred is sick, oh and by the way he has a niece that is stopping by and we are going to take the Barbara Gordon we all know and love and make her his niece thus removing the need to have to come up with an interesting way to introduce this new character.

Be sure to buy the action figure though

Alfred has a made up disease that is the same disease that Mr. Freeze's wife has.  The cure has something to do with needing diamonds, which is also the same thing he needs to power his suit, which makes it a really fucking expensive suit to operate.  Meanwhile, Poison Ivy is angry because blah blah blah plants, mother earth, blah blah blah, who cares really because they don't really tell you why.

Somewhere along the way Batman, Robin & Batgirl all learn to trust, love, care for, fight alongside one another and save the day.  The story is so bad and so non-existent I literally watched the movie no more than 30 minutes ago and am having an issue explaining it now here.

#5 Ice Skates
Very beginning of the movie the dynamic duo go to stop Mr. Freeze, when they first leave they do not know that shit is going down, they do not know that Mr. Freeze even exists.  They get into a scuffle with the frosty Austrian and decide it is time to even the scales in this fight.

They just clicked their fucking heels together

Are these a standard feature in the suits?  How would that even work?  Who came up with this and have they been properly punished?

Hopefully the pain I endured re-watching this movie has brought you a modicum of joy while reading this blog.  If you do feel the urge to watch Batman & Robin I suggest you ingest lye instead.  Or just watch any of the other Batman movies, I suggest the Adam West movie for some good campy fun. 

Keep these on you just in case

5 Teams I'd rather see in the Super Bowl

Today is Super Bowl Sunday and I couldn't be more uninterested.  If you know me then you know it isn't because I dislike football but rather due to the two teams playing this year for the Lombardi Trophy.  The New York Giants have appeared in 4 Super Bowls and have won 3 of them, today will be their 5th appearance.  The New England Patriots have appeared in 6 Super Bowls and won 3 of them, today will be their 7th appearance.  As far as I can tell their is no underdog in this fight, no lovable loser finally trying to attain greatness.  That is why I present to you my list of 5 teams I would rather see play in and win a Super Bowl.


#1

New York Jets

This choice is a totally biased choice.  For those of you who know me I'm a die hard Jets fan and for those of you who don't know me...well now you know I'm a die hard Jets fan.  Through bad times and worse, through sickness and death...I'm a Jets fan.  The Jets have appeared in and won exactly 1 Super Bowl in their existence and that was way back in 1969 in Super Bowl III.  43 years have passed since then and we are getting to the point where fans would gladly donate a testicle or two to get them back to the big game.





#2

Detroit Lions

Fans of this franchise would probably dismiss my complaining over 1 Super Bowl appearance and win for the mere fact that they've never even played in the big game.  The Lions have not won a thing since 1957 back before the NFL/AFL merger.  They are also the only team to have ever gone an entire season without recording a win.  If any team deserves a chance to sniff a Super Bowl it is this group of losers, and so long as they aren't there playing against my Jets, I'll be pulling for them.


#3

Cleveland Browns

The Cleveland Browns have the ugliest uniforms in the NFL, but that isn't really the only reason I have them on this list.  The poor Browns have never sniffed a Super Bowl after being one of the more successful teams prior to the NFL/AFL merger.  And if that isn't bad enough, after 50 years in Cleveland their owner moved them to Baltimore where they became the Baltimore Ravens and won the Super Bowl a short 4 years after the move. 



#4

Arizona Cardlinals

The Cardinals made the Super Bowl back in 2009 but that was their one and only trip to the big game.  The team was established in 1898(!) and became a charter member of the NFL in 1920.  They haven't won a title since 1947, which was a 62 year drought between playing in a championship game.  Here's hoping that they don't have to wait for another supermarket bag boy before they see their next Super Bowl.



#5

Cincinnati Bengals

The Bengals have been to 2 Super Bowls and had to deal with the dynasty that was the Montana led 49ers.  If the Bengals teams of the 80s didn't come up against Joe Montana we might be talking about the Bengals dynasty of the 80s.  Their best years are marred by the fact that they just happened to be playing great football while other teams were playing legendary football.  




Enjoy the game today!

2011: The Year of the Pedophile

After giving it careful consideration I've come to the conclusion that 2011 was the year of the pedophile.  It has become common place to have the yearly reports of teachers having sex with students, but those are rather low profile news stories.  This year we had not one but four high profile cases of  men engaging in extra curricular activities with children.  Truly an exciting time to be alive.


I'm having the best year EVER!

  The most recent comes to us from my very own state of New Jersey.  Allegedly Mr. Patrick Lott videotaped boy showering at the Immaculata High School for nearly three years.  I have to believe this will not look kindly on Mr. Lott come review time, thankfully for him I don't believe the NJEA has moved on yet to merit based pay.

Bill Conlin, who used to be a Phillies beat writer, have been accused by currently seven people (6 girls and 1 boy) of sexual molesting them when they were children.  His alleged foray into pedophilia took place in the 70s and because of the statute of limitations on these reported crimes he cannot be charged.  The fat man can live peacefully in relative anonymity in Florida, even if he is 100% guilty.

Syracuse assistant basketball coach Bernie Fine was accused by three men of molesting them.  One of the men even called Mr. Fine's wife to confronted her about his behavior, thankfully that brave woman said she knew about it all along and "felt powerless to stop it".  It is a shame that there isn't a group of people out there whose job it is to protect and serve the people that she could have called.  Though he has since lost his job, he too cannot be prosecuted thanks to the mind boggling statute of limitations for these crimes.

As disgusting as these three men are, none of them can hold a candle to the Granddaddy of child molestation, Jerry Sandusky.  At this point we all know about the over 20 men that have come out to accuse Sandusky, as well as what he has been accused of doing (mainly "soap fights") so I won't bore you with details.  If convicted, and the evidence against him is staggering, he would spend the rest of his life in prison, where hopefully the inmates there will engage in the roughest of "soap fights" with him on a regular basis.

So there you have it, 2011 was the year of the pedophile.  Not exactly a great time to be a young boy but life can't be all video games and action figures, sometimes it's a pain in the ass.

Keep Christ in "Jesus Christ Enough!"

Allow me to start by saying I cannot hate the saying "Keep Christ in Christmas" more than I already do.  I would love to know where that saying originated so I can set that person's house on fire by putting too many lights on a dry Douglas-fir.  First off, who's the audience?  Is this directed at other Christians?  What exactly does it mean to not have Christ in Christmas?

If this is directed at other Christians than I'm left to assume it means return the presents you bought, throw out your Christmas Tree and take down your lights.  After all, those are all gaudy, materialistic, paganesque totems that have nothing to do with Jesus Christ.  The winter solstice has no place when celebrating the birth of the lord on a day that technically isn't when he was born anyway.

Baby Jesus is weeping

Is this directed at those that ask that you think for a minute that maybe, just maybe, there are people out there that don't celebrate Christmas so perhaps every so often you should think about saying "Happy Holidays" instead so as not to seem like a self centered twat?  This is Christmas time gosh darn it and I'm going to keep Christ in my heart and in this time of year so Merry Christmas! 

Maybe a different one, is that okay with you prick?

Perhaps the saying is direct at those that are persecuting Christians?  Well that can't be right because who the fuck has persecuted a Christian in the last few hundred years?  I guess when you've been on top for so long you start getting antsy and look around for shit that isn't there.  No one is keeping you from celebrating Christmas in any fashion you want.  The only thing asked of you is to keep shit away from government buildings, and that has more to do with the separation of church and state (it's in the constitution so deal with it).

Keep baby Jesus away from my courthouse

The more I think about it the more I realize I don't care who the saying is directed to.  The saying is condescending, ignorant and even hypocritical.  Can't we all just enjoy the HOLIDAY season without pointing fingers and starting shit?

Laugh it up fuzzball

Sometimes It Is Just "Merry Christmas"

I was born Jewish and married a Catholic and if you asked me what my beliefs are I'd tell you I am agnostic.  The time between Thanksgiving and New Years was always difficult for me growing up because Hanukkah is the Mets and Christmas is the Yankees.  If you're not familiar with the baseball analogy basically Hanukkah sucks and Christmas is in the playoffs every year.

I wish I was relevant

This will be my eighth Christmas this year, which means I spent 21 years dealing with the jealousy and anger of watching what seemed like the entire world celebrate something I was excluded from.  I hated Christmas commercials, music, lights, trees, etc.  If I was honest with myself I would've admitted that I really didn't hate all that, I just wanted all that for myself.

Feel the excitement!

You'd think I'd be all for the "Happy Holiday" sentiment that all are forced to say instead of "Merry Christmas" and sometimes I am, but sometimes it makes no fraking sense.  You see a commercial; the scene is a family room decked with garland and a beautiful glittering Christmas tree.  Stockings are lined perfectly above the fire place and a plate of cookies with a glass of milk are waiting for you know who.  After Dad gives Mom earrings (he went to Jared!) the commercial ends with "Happy Holidays".

It doesn't make any sense and it's stupid.  At that point just say "Merry Christmas" and lets move on to the next commercial.  Congrats to all the over sensitive pricks who made that possible, to those that complained to the point where shit that is really straight forward doesn't make any sense. 

You're fucking Santa!  You're clearly all about Christmas!

"Happy Holidays" makes sense when you're shopping because unless you're purchasing a Santa suit you really could be celebrating anything really.  It is a nice way to make sure no one is left out around this time of year.  The problem is now it has become the de facto phrase even when logic would tell you otherwise.

We are politically correct in this country to the point of absurdity.  Sometimes the proper thing to say is "Merry Christmas" and we should leave it at that. 

Occupy Occupy Wall Street

What is the endgame people?  At what point do we pack up the bags and signs and call it a day?  It wasn't so long ago that I completely agreed with what this movement represented and now I'm not so sure.

I sit here and read about the celebrations regarding the two month anniversary of the protests and I'm at a loss to find one thing that has changed since this began.  What exactly was supposed to change?  If you ask 25 people what Occupy Wall Street is about I'm willing to bet you'd get a good number of different answers.  Shit I'm not 100% I know what they're trying to do.

There is a noticeable lack of direction, though you may disagree with me on that.  The Tea Party are a bunch of fucking maniacs who compare Obama to Adolf Hitler but at least they had some direction.  I'd like to kick Palin in her cooter too but I digress.  You do realize that by Occupying Wall Street you're fucking over hard working honest people who are part of the 99% you're trying to represent, right?

There are no demands, there is no endgame, there is no battle plan.  Your lack of direction lose you credibility and supporters.  How can you protest without a clear concise message and direction for change?

I'm part of the 99% that doesn't want the current 99% representing me. 

Gobble Gobble Motherfucker

I like Christmas as much as the next guy that married into the holiday only to realize that it was 100x better than what he had been celebrating previously.  With that being said, I hate the fact that every year the Christmas season seems to start earlier and earlier.  I hate it even more so because of my love of Thanksgiving which is completely overshadowed by mistletoe and midgets in pointy shoes (elves if you want to be PC).

Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday, a holiday of good food, family and football. The only way you could possible dislike this holiday is if your ancestors were systematically slaughtered and relegated to reservations, but even on the first Thanksgiving we all got along, right?  Sadly, Thanksgiving seems to have been relegated to the Phantom Menace to Christmas' Empire Strikes Back, a sad prequel to awesomeness. 

When I was a child Christmas didn't get into full swing until the fat man bringing up the rear at the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade Ho Ho Ho'd.  Now I saw my first Christmas commercial November 1st.  It's too soon!  Every holiday must have its time in the sun.  How can we as a nation be so ready to overlook a holiday that encourages sitting on the couch with your pants undone, because you ate so much food, with a beer in your hand watching football? 

It is an outrage and I will not take this lying down.  It is time for us to reclaim the month of November in the name of Thanksgiving!  Who's with me?