Batman & Robin or: Why Did I Sit Down to Watch This?

A few days ago I got the urge to watch Batman & Robin again, the 1997 movie directed by Joel Schumacher and starring George Clooney.  The last time I had seen the movie was when it came out, don't judge me I was 15 years old at the time and I didn't know that it was going to be that bad.  Maybe a year ago I stumbled upon a four pack for under $10 at Costco of the Batman movies, it included: Batman, Batman Returns, Batman Forever and Batman & Robin. 

I came to the conclusion that if I was going to subject myself to this terrible movie a second time that at the very least I would get a blog out of it.  I decided I'd try to find things that others have not yet found in the movie, nuggets of awfulness or surprising bright spots.  I set out to write a pros versus cons list for the movie that killed that Batman franchise.  There were no pros so instead here are 5 cons.

#1 Campy without being fun
There is nothing wrong with setting out to make a campy movie, I love the Adam West Batman.  The problem they ran into here is that it was campy without any of the fun that the 1966 movie and 60s TV show brought to the table 

Never leave the cave without it

When Batman pulls out his GothCard with its expiration date of FOREVER I'm assuming the audience was supposed to get a good chuckle out of it.  That bit of awfulness is actually overshadowed by the various cartoon sounds that accompany nearly every fight scene.

#2 Mr. Freeze
I know it has been mentioned before but it is too glaring not to point out.  I'm fairly certain not a single line is uttered by Mr. Freeze that is not a pun.  Not one. 

Freeze! Chill! Cool out! Ice to see you!

Read the script, re-watch the movie, I swear to you not a single line uttered by Mr. Freeze did not contain a terrible pun that would've made Burt Ward roll his eyes.

Holy shitty writing Batman!

#3 Uma Thurman
Above I pointed to Mr. Freeze as being terrible but not Arnold and the reason for that is because Arnold doesn't really act in any movie he has been in.  All of his characters sound the same because apparently decades in the United States can't do away with that thick Austrian accent.  The moment Uma Thurman becomes Poison Ivy she talks like someone doing a bad impression of what women in the 1930s talked like. 

#4 The Story
Alfred is sick, oh and by the way he has a niece that is stopping by and we are going to take the Barbara Gordon we all know and love and make her his niece thus removing the need to have to come up with an interesting way to introduce this new character.

Be sure to buy the action figure though

Alfred has a made up disease that is the same disease that Mr. Freeze's wife has.  The cure has something to do with needing diamonds, which is also the same thing he needs to power his suit, which makes it a really fucking expensive suit to operate.  Meanwhile, Poison Ivy is angry because blah blah blah plants, mother earth, blah blah blah, who cares really because they don't really tell you why.

Somewhere along the way Batman, Robin & Batgirl all learn to trust, love, care for, fight alongside one another and save the day.  The story is so bad and so non-existent I literally watched the movie no more than 30 minutes ago and am having an issue explaining it now here.

#5 Ice Skates
Very beginning of the movie the dynamic duo go to stop Mr. Freeze, when they first leave they do not know that shit is going down, they do not know that Mr. Freeze even exists.  They get into a scuffle with the frosty Austrian and decide it is time to even the scales in this fight.

They just clicked their fucking heels together

Are these a standard feature in the suits?  How would that even work?  Who came up with this and have they been properly punished?

Hopefully the pain I endured re-watching this movie has brought you a modicum of joy while reading this blog.  If you do feel the urge to watch Batman & Robin I suggest you ingest lye instead.  Or just watch any of the other Batman movies, I suggest the Adam West movie for some good campy fun. 

Keep these on you just in case