I was going to start this blog by apologizing in advance for what I'm about to say, however now I realize I just don't care if I offend anyone. I am tired of people giving their kids stupid names. I'm not talking about someone with a name that just has a different spelling like Brian or Bryan. I'm talking about people who name their kids Shonn instead of Sean.
What the hell is the matter with people? You have idiots naming children after fruit like Chris Martin (I still love you band) and Gwyneth Paltrow (where have you gone?) naming their kid Apple. For the love of science! But even that isn't as bad, in my opinion, as naming your child a regular name but spelled like you clearly have no grasp on the English language. I haven't met a Fillup or a Raburt yet, but I'm sure one day I will.
Can someone please get these parents a dictionary or hooked on phonics? I work with a woman, if you work with her also just remember I don't dislike her, I just think her name is dumb, whose name is Saffiyyah. I will type that again lest you think I had a seizure while typing it the first time. Her name is not Sophia...it is Saffiyyah. What the fuck! If you are writing out the birth certificate and the parents go "We want to name our baby Saffiyyah" you have only one response "No". No you cannot name your fucking daughter that, what is the matter with you?!?!
I'm also enraged by people with names such as Jamarcus, Desean, Lashawn, etc. When did it become perfectly acceptable to just add a Ja, De, La at the beginning of a name. I'm glad I'm not a teacher because if Jarobert walked into my class I'd have to tell him to leave and not come back until his name was Robert.
"Jordan stop it, you're being racist"...am I? I don't think I am. I don't think race comes into play here. Just ask Jason Lee's son Pilot Inspektor or perhaps Bronx Mowgli Wentz. No race isn't the issue, ignorance is and ignorance my dear readers, does not care what color you are.
Wednesday, March 31, 2010
Monday, March 29, 2010
Ha Ha You're Dead
Is there anything more tragic and hilarious than death? It is rhetorical question so please don't think about that for more than a few seconds. I'm sure I've lost a few of you already, no one really believes death can be hilarious, but if you'll give me a few moments of your time perhaps I can change your opinion.
My first example is Steve "Crocodile Hunter" Irwin. His death really upset a lot of people, none more so than his wife and daughter (who he dangled above the jaws of a croc). Now you may be wondering what is so hilarious about his death and I'll tell you. The man who spent his life poking crocs in the nose and grabbing them by their tails was taken about by a stingray. According to KGB there have been 17! The self proclaimed "Crocodile Hunter" was taken out by an animal that killed 16 people prior to taking him out. No apologies here, that is just funny.
My next example is the the Darwin Award. The award that is given out annually to the person with the funniest death brought on by his or her stupidity that thankfully removed them from the gene pool. Going to DarwinAwards.com you can tickle your funny bone at the hilarious way people have sprung themselves from this mortal coil. I just got finished reading one about a man who decided to see if his new jacket was "stab-proof". Guess what? It wasn't! Come on, that is funny.
My final example isn't a death that is necessarily funny in and of itself, but funny on a case by case basis. This last example is for the truly twisted at heart. Everyone has someone that they hate, someone who's very existence makes your skin crawl. I refuse to believe that if you found out they flipped their 4 door into a ditch you wouldn't chuckle a bit. No? Well maybe this last paragraph is very the black hearts like myself. Hell forget someone you know and hate. Who hasn't seen some ass flying down the highway in the pouring rain or a blizzard and not thought something terrible that ended with him being ejected from his seat and into a tree. Still no?
Perhaps it is best that I quit while I'm behind before I start giving people reason to unsubscribe.
My first example is Steve "Crocodile Hunter" Irwin. His death really upset a lot of people, none more so than his wife and daughter (who he dangled above the jaws of a croc). Now you may be wondering what is so hilarious about his death and I'll tell you. The man who spent his life poking crocs in the nose and grabbing them by their tails was taken about by a stingray. According to KGB there have been 17! The self proclaimed "Crocodile Hunter" was taken out by an animal that killed 16 people prior to taking him out. No apologies here, that is just funny.
My next example is the the Darwin Award. The award that is given out annually to the person with the funniest death brought on by his or her stupidity that thankfully removed them from the gene pool. Going to DarwinAwards.com you can tickle your funny bone at the hilarious way people have sprung themselves from this mortal coil. I just got finished reading one about a man who decided to see if his new jacket was "stab-proof". Guess what? It wasn't! Come on, that is funny.
My final example isn't a death that is necessarily funny in and of itself, but funny on a case by case basis. This last example is for the truly twisted at heart. Everyone has someone that they hate, someone who's very existence makes your skin crawl. I refuse to believe that if you found out they flipped their 4 door into a ditch you wouldn't chuckle a bit. No? Well maybe this last paragraph is very the black hearts like myself. Hell forget someone you know and hate. Who hasn't seen some ass flying down the highway in the pouring rain or a blizzard and not thought something terrible that ended with him being ejected from his seat and into a tree. Still no?
Perhaps it is best that I quit while I'm behind before I start giving people reason to unsubscribe.
Friday, March 26, 2010
10 Years Later (60 Fox Years)
My 10 year high school reunion is set for September of this year. I have to say the idea that I've been out of high school for 10 years is nauseating. People say high school is the best 4 years of your life. The only problem with that is most people are dumb. If high school was the best 4 years of my life then excuse me while hang myself from my balcony.
I spent the majority of my high school years keeping mostly to myself. That isn't to say I didn't have any friends, but I certainly wasn't having the time of my life. Riddled with self-esteem issues, and generally just depressed, my first 3 years I was a ghost. It wasn't until senior year that I finally opened up.
I'm sure if you asked me then I could pinpoint exactly what it was that made me decide to say "fuck it" and be myself, but now I can't remember. I became a Peer Leader my senior year, and maybe it was during our peer retreat that I finally opened up. Whatever the case may be, it was in my last year in high school that I finally was enjoying myself. I made a bunch of friends, went to parties, stayed out late, drank beer, kissed a few girls (unfortunately when I say "few" I really mean "few") and finally was a teenager. My senior year was a blast, I made a lot of friends and maintained a few of those friendships beyond high school. Sucks that I took so long to open up but I'm glad that I finally did.
They weren't the best 4 years of my life, and my senior year wasn't even the best year of my life. Basically high school was a time in my life, filled with people and places I won't soon forget. I'm such a different person now then I was then and I've grown so much that the idea of going back in time to reminisce doesn't seem all that inviting.
A decade is a long time, and the man I am today bears little resemblance to the boy I was then. I fear I'm losing my point, and perhaps I can blame that on the beer. When it comes to high school I regret spending so much of it hiding from the world, and maybe I just don't want to see people who remember me as the Jordan I'd like to forget.
I spent the majority of my high school years keeping mostly to myself. That isn't to say I didn't have any friends, but I certainly wasn't having the time of my life. Riddled with self-esteem issues, and generally just depressed, my first 3 years I was a ghost. It wasn't until senior year that I finally opened up.
I'm sure if you asked me then I could pinpoint exactly what it was that made me decide to say "fuck it" and be myself, but now I can't remember. I became a Peer Leader my senior year, and maybe it was during our peer retreat that I finally opened up. Whatever the case may be, it was in my last year in high school that I finally was enjoying myself. I made a bunch of friends, went to parties, stayed out late, drank beer, kissed a few girls (unfortunately when I say "few" I really mean "few") and finally was a teenager. My senior year was a blast, I made a lot of friends and maintained a few of those friendships beyond high school. Sucks that I took so long to open up but I'm glad that I finally did.
They weren't the best 4 years of my life, and my senior year wasn't even the best year of my life. Basically high school was a time in my life, filled with people and places I won't soon forget. I'm such a different person now then I was then and I've grown so much that the idea of going back in time to reminisce doesn't seem all that inviting.
A decade is a long time, and the man I am today bears little resemblance to the boy I was then. I fear I'm losing my point, and perhaps I can blame that on the beer. When it comes to high school I regret spending so much of it hiding from the world, and maybe I just don't want to see people who remember me as the Jordan I'd like to forget.
Wednesday, March 24, 2010
The Kindel Konundrum
As we continue to hurtle head first through the 21st century (sans the flying car!) we are bound to come up against technological and scientific advancements that make us feel uncomfortable, or challenge our beliefs. For some it may be Stem Cell research or movies in 3D. For me, it is the Kindel (or the Nook).
I love reading. I generally try to have a few books lined up to begin reading right after I finish the book I'm currently working on, and I'm always currently reading a book (The Kindly Ones by Jonathan Littell). I love going into bookstores and walking down aisle after aisle of beautiful books. I love the feel of books and the smell of books. I'm a purist who one day wants nothing more than an entire room devoted to mine and Lauren's books. Perhaps with a cushy green chair where I can sip my bourbon while enjoying a good read.
However, I'm a big fan of technology and when someone today decided to talk to me today about the Kindel she recently received I was intrigued. I won't bore you with all the things it can do beyond replacing a book, but it certainly gave me something to think about. Why had I been so quick to dismiss a new electronic toy? A new electronic toy that could put a book I want right at my fingertips when I want it faster than a trip to the bookstore and for less money!
Well my droogs, I certainly gave myself a lot to think about on my way home from work. The bottom line being, Amazon.com cannot replace the fun I have walking through a bookstore. You may know what you want when you walk in there, but leave with something completely different, or with the book you wanted along with five others. The search for a new book or a new author is part of the fun. Something which I feel is lost as you hit the NEXT button while sitting in your underwear at your desk.
Think of me what you will, but when it comes to reading, cut me down a tree.
I love reading. I generally try to have a few books lined up to begin reading right after I finish the book I'm currently working on, and I'm always currently reading a book (The Kindly Ones by Jonathan Littell). I love going into bookstores and walking down aisle after aisle of beautiful books. I love the feel of books and the smell of books. I'm a purist who one day wants nothing more than an entire room devoted to mine and Lauren's books. Perhaps with a cushy green chair where I can sip my bourbon while enjoying a good read.
However, I'm a big fan of technology and when someone today decided to talk to me today about the Kindel she recently received I was intrigued. I won't bore you with all the things it can do beyond replacing a book, but it certainly gave me something to think about. Why had I been so quick to dismiss a new electronic toy? A new electronic toy that could put a book I want right at my fingertips when I want it faster than a trip to the bookstore and for less money!
Well my droogs, I certainly gave myself a lot to think about on my way home from work. The bottom line being, Amazon.com cannot replace the fun I have walking through a bookstore. You may know what you want when you walk in there, but leave with something completely different, or with the book you wanted along with five others. The search for a new book or a new author is part of the fun. Something which I feel is lost as you hit the NEXT button while sitting in your underwear at your desk.
Think of me what you will, but when it comes to reading, cut me down a tree.
Monday, March 22, 2010
No Apology
I am so tired of celebrity apologies that end with them checking themselves into rehab. First off you don't owe me an apology, because I don't care what you do unless I have you in some celebrity death pool and secondly it is insincere PR bullshit.
Let me start with Tiger, because he obviously is the most recent celebrity to issue an apology. An apology that honestly had the sincerity of my wife, Lauren, reading me our shopping list. Re-watch the video, even his mother knew it was a shitty apology. Tiger then checks himself into a rehab for sex addiction. I don't have a degree in psychology so I'm not going to say you can't be addicted to sex, but really Tiger?
I think I would've had more respect for him if he came out and said he was a scumbag who didn't respect his wife or his family enough to keep it in his pants or ask for a divorce. I don't care if he is banging midgets and donkeys on the back 9 while Daly takes bets on who will finish first, just don't expect me to believe your horseshit apology and sex addiction excuse.
Mel Gibson, you hate Jews. It has nothing to do with being addicted to alcohol, and as far as I know there is no Jew hating rehab facility. "Jews start all the wars" is not something I heard while getting drunk with my friends, so I'm going to go out on a limb and say alcohol doesn't make you anti-semitic. You hated Jews before you took that last shot of jager and you hated them after you sobered up. As Mr. Fox would say, in your apology you decided to "blame it on the a-a-a-a-a-alcohol"
Last but not least I'd like to quickly mention Michael "Kramer" Richards. You blamed your racial tirade against blacks on the fact that you "went into a rage". I'm a very angry man myself, ask anyone who has ever driven with me. However, if you get angry and your first instinct is to throw out the N-word and talk about lynching black people...you might be a racist. Admit it, and then do some tour dates in Alabama and Mississippi.
The moral of the story is this. If I had a blog sooner all of these examples would be more relevant, stop blaming shit on everything else but yourself and knock off these bullshit apologies.
Let me start with Tiger, because he obviously is the most recent celebrity to issue an apology. An apology that honestly had the sincerity of my wife, Lauren, reading me our shopping list. Re-watch the video, even his mother knew it was a shitty apology. Tiger then checks himself into a rehab for sex addiction. I don't have a degree in psychology so I'm not going to say you can't be addicted to sex, but really Tiger?
I think I would've had more respect for him if he came out and said he was a scumbag who didn't respect his wife or his family enough to keep it in his pants or ask for a divorce. I don't care if he is banging midgets and donkeys on the back 9 while Daly takes bets on who will finish first, just don't expect me to believe your horseshit apology and sex addiction excuse.
Mel Gibson, you hate Jews. It has nothing to do with being addicted to alcohol, and as far as I know there is no Jew hating rehab facility. "Jews start all the wars" is not something I heard while getting drunk with my friends, so I'm going to go out on a limb and say alcohol doesn't make you anti-semitic. You hated Jews before you took that last shot of jager and you hated them after you sobered up. As Mr. Fox would say, in your apology you decided to "blame it on the a-a-a-a-a-alcohol"
Last but not least I'd like to quickly mention Michael "Kramer" Richards. You blamed your racial tirade against blacks on the fact that you "went into a rage". I'm a very angry man myself, ask anyone who has ever driven with me. However, if you get angry and your first instinct is to throw out the N-word and talk about lynching black people...you might be a racist. Admit it, and then do some tour dates in Alabama and Mississippi.
The moral of the story is this. If I had a blog sooner all of these examples would be more relevant, stop blaming shit on everything else but yourself and knock off these bullshit apologies.
Sunday, March 21, 2010
It was the best of times, it was the BLURST of times?!
How lucky you are to have stumbled upon my very first blog post. Allow me to start off by saying this blog is not for the easily offended, mainly because one of my hobbies is to offend people. As of right now I don't foresee any structure to this blog, so be prepared to just read about whatever happens to be on my mind.
Do you ever want to intentionally t-bone someone with your car? I really enjoy driving but I cannot stand every other person on the road. If you think you can talk on your cell phone, take a bite of your muffin, load a new DVD in for your brats in the backseat and still drive perfectly fine you're wrong, you can't. Honestly, I want to pull you from your car and hit you in front of your children.
Well I think that is a wonderful jumping off point for my very first blog. Probably will lose a couple of possible readers right off the bat. Bonus points to anyone who recognizes the title to my first blog.
Do you ever want to intentionally t-bone someone with your car? I really enjoy driving but I cannot stand every other person on the road. If you think you can talk on your cell phone, take a bite of your muffin, load a new DVD in for your brats in the backseat and still drive perfectly fine you're wrong, you can't. Honestly, I want to pull you from your car and hit you in front of your children.
Well I think that is a wonderful jumping off point for my very first blog. Probably will lose a couple of possible readers right off the bat. Bonus points to anyone who recognizes the title to my first blog.
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