I Heart Giant Robots

I was going to say nothing makes me cringe more than the phrase "gritty reboot" and then I realized that is a fucking lie.  It's a powerful way to start a rant, but I'm trying to be truthful here, so I'll just say the phrase "gritty reboot" makes me cringe and fills me with dread.  Now that I got that out of the way let me get to my point.

I recently watched Pacific Rim and loved it and honestly what's not to love?  Giant robots fighting giant monsters, it basically popped out of the screen and said "hey 10 year old version of Jordan, how fucking awesome is this?" and I responded back with "So awesome!".  It was only after I came down from my giant robot high that I realized Pacific Rim made me dislike the gritty reboot of Superman more than I already did.

Hell Yeah!

Why did Pacific Rim make me dislike Man of Steel more?  Because Pacific Rim was a fun action movie that didn't take itself too seriously and Man of Steel was a drama about a guy who is super bummed that he is Superman and took itself as seriously as a documentary about Auschwitz.  Let's not act like just because Pacific Rim was about ridiculously large robots fighting ridiculously large monsters that it was allowed to take itself less serious than Man of Steel; Man of Steel is about a guy from another planet that is super strong because of Earth's yellow sun...that's pretty much it.

Don't get me wrong, I love Superman.  As a kid I grew up idolizing Superman and I think I went as him for Halloween 3 years in a row, that's what makes me so upset about the gritty reboot, I really wanted to love this movie.  Instead I got a depressed Superman who is literally responsible for thousands upon thousands of deaths during his fight with General Zod and never once stops to try to help as buildings come crashing down. The Christopher Reeve Superman would've moved the fight away from Metropolis, hell he would've moved the fight away from a tree if he thought a family of birds lived there.  

I loved Pacific Rim because it made me feel like a kid again, sadly Man of Steel made me believe a man could fly but couldn't make me care.

I'm Back...Sorry

I told myself that when I got a new laptop I would take blogging back up again.  My apologies to all since this blog is pretty much mental masturbation and nothing more.  It gives me an opportunity to write, which I do enjoy doing, and also voice whatever the hell is on my mind at any given time.

The last time I wrote a blog I was getting ready to build a crib for my not yet born little girl.  Needless to say that was a long time ago, nearly a full calendar year, and a few things have happened since then.  I think the biggest thing that has happened is that the crib has been occupied by my daughter now for nearly 9 months.

I'm writing this instead of cleaning the kitchen floor.  She went down for a nap about an hour ago now and I had no way of knowing she'd be sleeping this long.  And as I write this sentence the damn phone rung and woke her up.

You can thank the bullshit card services phone call for my not going into detail about how much I love my daughter and how rewarding it is to be a dad.  Chances are if you're reading this you are already friends with me on Facebook or follow me on Twitter which means you've already heard me talk about that over and over again anyway. 

In conclusion, I'm back...maybe.  I'd like to write more and spend some more time with this blog.  I got a lot of opinions that no one cares about that I'd love to share in 2014.

Crib Building and Other Elvis Costello B-Sides

Has everyone who will get the title gotten it yet?  Yes?  Ok, let's move on then.

Today is Super Bowl Sunday, it is also the day that my father and I will build my little girl's crib.  I think I'm going to start referring to her as The Oncoming Storm and to hell with anyone that doesn't get that reference.  My dad and I haven't built anything together since I was a teenager so it should be fun.

I've been told by everyone that building a crib is fun, but they generally snicker after saying the word "fun".  I've been told the dreaded allen wrench is a prominent feature in the building of cribs.  I fucking hate allen wrenches.  Generally they're always required for some tight spaced area that you can't see, so you spend your time trying to find the groove so the wrench will fit into the bolt and all you get out of your hard work is one small turn of the screw.  Bloody useless.

In the end obviously it is worth it.  I want my little oncoming storm to have a nice safe and sturdy crib to sleep in, she will after all be the one choosing my nursing home.

As I mentioned before, today is also the Super Bowl, it is footballs Christmas Day.  For the fans of the two teams it is the excitement of Christmas morning.  For the fans of the other teams it is what Christmas is like for Jews, we can enjoy the pretty lights or the game, but we aren't really participating.

I'm a fan of the absolutely horrible New York Jets so I've grown accustomed to just rooting for a good game and generally picking a side so I have some sort of rooting interest.  When the dust settles today I hope the Ravens win.

Happy Super Bowl Sunday everyone!  Now to get this crib building started.

Fatherhood or: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Get Excited

I have been meaning for a long time now to write about one of the biggest things to ever happen in my life, namely, my wife being pregnant and me being a father-to-be. 

At first I thought I would chronicle the milestones, something that I could look back on and read and something my little girl could read as well, once she'd learn to read.  Then my wife mentioned that we should both write something, like a welcome to the world type letter for her, I suppose there is still time to do that.  Finally I thought to myself that I should write a blog and well...here we are.

We're two months away from the big day and as it gets closer the more excited I get.  The little person whose kicks I've felt, whose profile I saw in the sonogram, who I helped create is almost here...and her room is completely not ready for her.  Outside of the farther reaching excitement, there is so much practical shit that needs to get done.

We've got two baby showers coming up, I'm currently sitting in the nursery and nothing has changed in here that would make anyone think we're having a baby.  Things need to be moved, things need to be purchase (hopefully off the registry) for us to be able to put together the room that will go from our extra bedroom into _______'s bedroom. 

Omitting a name above wasn't some clever way to keep people from knowing her name, because I don't know her name.  We have a pretty good idea of what we think her name will be but nothing has been 100% decided upon and well I think we need to get on that too.  It is a big deal to name a person, but it is exciting.

I wasn't always excited, if I'm being honest.  I was terrified at first, and for a few months too.  The idea that I am going to be responsible for another life is just overwhelming.  I'm going to bring this little girl into the world.  I'm going to need to keep her safe, teach her right and wrong and try to help her become the best possible person she can be.  That will be my new full-time job for the rest of my life...it's just crazy to think about.

Bottom line is I'm going to be somebody's daddy and I can't wait to meet her. 

Spoilers: Facebook, Twitter & You!

Hello all, I do apologize for leaving you for so long.  It was never my intent to have gone what I believe must be months at this point without a new blog to fill a few moments of your day with fleeting joy.  If you can all forgive me for leaving you I'd like to jump right into a new bloggy wog.

Spoilers!  Ooooh we all hate them. Just that one word can get people to stick their fingers in their ears and shout "Lalalala! I can't hear you!".  No one wants to have something spoiled for them, especially something you become emotionally invested in.  It used to be that you could just avoid websites that you would know would contain spoilers, that isn't enough.  If you're on Facebook and Twitter you run the risk of following or being friends with someone that may spoil something inadvertently. 

DVR and Netflix make it possible now to be watching a show that may have run its entire course for the first time, leaving yourself open to something that you may view as a spoiler but someone who watched the show feel is nothing more than common knowledge.  Where is the line!  Well I'll tell you.  This is near and dear to me because it is my personal experience, this is the reason for me writing this new blog.
 
I just started watching Doctor Who, in fact I just finished season 3.  While writing on Facebook about how much I enjoyed a particular episode someone that I am friends with posted a comment to my status.  The comment was perfectly harmless for someone who has seen the show and to be honest the statute of limitations had come and gone for something to be a spoiler.  Meaning Bruce Willis being dead the whole time is no longer a spoiler, it is just plain common knowledge and if you don't know that by now it is your own damned fault anyway.  Now the reason why I consider this to be a spoiler is because he posted it to my status. 

Posting something about a movie or a TV show as a comment on someone's status or as a tweet, hey @LegitimateGeek can you believe ________, is a spoiler.  Especially considering that if you are following or friends with that person you are more than likely aware that they are watching that particular piece of entertainment.  I just said I finished watching this episode which means that I am just on that episode, my knowledge of this particular television universe does not expand passed this point in time. 

How could anything said about what comes next, even if it is just to say "wait till you see what happens to _____" not be a spoiler?  Though you've said nothing directly and given away nothing concrete you've now opened up my mind to something it cannot as of yet know, nor does it want to know because it wants to find it out for itself.  It would have been perfectly harmless posted as your own status or as your own tweet, but once you've directed it towards someone you've committed the mortal sin of spoil.

Your place in hell is between the 4th and 5th layers.  Not entirely certain though.

Women Can Be Funny

Women aren't funny, that's what I'm told.  I'm not sure when that became the popular sentiment but it seems to be viewed as common knowledge.  I have very recently watched Bridesmaids, a movie that is currently the highest grossing female comedy beating out Sex and the City (ugh).  That right there is a reason women are universally panned as being not funny, they enjoy Sex and the City, also they think Sarah Jessica Parker is beautiful.

I'll be honest, I really enjoyed Bridesmaids and not as a movie where women are funny but as a comedy.  It had its slow moments but it is rare to find any movie that is brings it from start to finish.  What I will say is that I liked this movie, I'm not going to run out and buy it on bluray but I'll be damned if I'd say it didn't make me laugh. I said as much on Facebook last night and received a few comments to the contrary and it got me thinking about this idea that women aren't funny.

It is true that you rarely see a woman in comedy that isn't meant to just stand there as an object of lust for one of our male protagonists or is clutching her pearls in horror at the hijinks that are being laid out before her.  I'm also reminded of the term "the hole" that I first heard while listening to O&A to describe the woman on a radio show who's job it is to say "oh that's not nice" or "stop that" whilst laughing at something crude being said by the men on the show. 

Won't somebody think of the children?

I argue that women can be funny, sadly my first example was born in 1926 but that doesn't make her less funny or my example any less valid.  Cloris Leachman was a staple of some of Mel Brooks' finest movies.  If you've seen her in Young Frankenstein as Frau Blucher (neigh) or most recently as Maw Maw in Raising Hope you'd have to agree that she is one funny lady.  Never afraid to reach the absurd or ugly herself up, she was a woman that could hang with the boys.

He vas my boyfriend!

I can continue on with examples of women that I personally feel are funny like Madeline Kahn, Amy Sedaris, Tiny Fey, Kerri Kenney, Wendi McLendon-Covey, Jane Curtin, Catherine O'Hara, Jane Lynch, etc.  but what would that prove?  If anything it proves that for every woman I can name there are probably 5 men that I can add. Maybe it isn't that women aren't funny but rather they aren't asked to be. 

I think most women would rather be told they're beautiful than told they're funny.  A woman would rather walk into a room and be longed after rather than laughed at.  Is that true?  Perhaps to a point, and maybe that's the problem. 

Parody Movies Aren't Dead...Yet

I want to say parody movies are dead, but instead I'll be optimistic and say they're on life support.  Last night I watched Spaceballs with my wife, this was her first time seeing the movie.  It had been awhile since I had seen the movie but I still knew every line and still laughed at every punch line.  I realized that I was even laughing at things I had not laughed at previously because I've gotten older and only now got some of the jokes that were previously over my head. 

Spaceballs holds up, as does every other Mel Brooks movie, with maybe the exception being Dracula: Dead & Loving It, but even that is better than the crop of dreck that calls itself parody movies.  The writing duo of Aaron Seltzer and Jason Friedberg have lobotomized the comedy art form that Mel Brooks made famous.  I couldn't help but think that in the hands of Jason Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer a Star Wars parody would most assuredly turn Yoda into Yo'Dawg and had the character played by Tracy Morgan.

Rather than create a top 5 worst list of movies these two have "written" because to be honest none of them are good enough to be numbers 2-5, I thought I'd point out what is wrong with all of them. I have not seen them all but much like you didn't need to know Hitler to know he was a bad man, you don't need to see these movies to know they're awful.

These two modern day Shakespeare's are responsible for Date Movie, Epic Movie, Disaster Movie, Vampires Suck, Meet the Spartans & The Biggest Movie of All Time 3D.  The premise of all of these movies is to take whatever is relevant right now...right now not three seconds ago but right now at this very minute that they're writing the movie and put that into the movie.  They will shoe horn it into a movie if they have to.

Britney Spears shaving her head is still super relevant and funny, right?

The scene above is from Meet the Spartans where our dynamic writing duo took the short scene from 300 where King Leonidas kicks the Persian messenger into a pit and dragged it on for so long just so they could incorporate a super timely Britney Spears reference as well as the American Idol judges. 

Rather than continue to show examples of the awful shoe horned pop culture references that litter their movies I'd like to instead provide just one example of why Mel Brooks is a genius and these two are putzes.  My example is the comedic masterpiece High Anxiety, which is a take on Vertigo and many other Hitchcock films.

It's not always good to be the King

Dr. Richard Thorndyke suffers from High Anxiety due to a trauma at a very young age.  In his attempt to help a beautiful young woman rescue her father from the "Psychoneurotic Institute for the Very, VERY Nervous" where he is the new administrator.  In an homage to The Birds Dr. Thorndyke is attacked by pigeons that shit all over him.  In a nod to Psycho he is attacked by a bell hop in the shower with a newspaper, we see the ink slowly slip down the drain.  In a scene that might have nothing to do with anything the good Dr. is attacked while making a phone call in a phone booth and his heavy breathing and struggle to live is mistaken for a dirty phone call by Madeline Kahn.  I could go on but I won't.

The point in all this is that we are in desperate need of smart comedies and parodies.  We have allowed ourselves to be fed the awful spoofs and Movie that the dynamic duds have thrown at us.  We should be demanding more from our entertainment and from Hollywood. 

I do believe the next blog I write will be devoted entirely to Mel Brooks movies, perhaps a top 5 list of my favorites.  He is one of my favorite directors which should come as no surprise considering we're both non practicing Jews from Brooklyn with a thing for Italian women.