Story Time

It has been awhile since my last blog, but it just took me this long to think of something to write about. Hopefully my epic tale will cause a few people to chuckle at my horrible misfortune I'm about to detail. So without further ado...STORY TIME!

About five years ago I went on the single worst job interview of my entire life. The classified ad in the Star Ledger read "Sports Minded Marketing", it sounded like a perfect fit. I love sports and the marketing shit I could learn as I went along. Looking back I wish I never would have seen that ad.

The initial interview went well, he told me everything a fresh faced youngster would want to hear. They're officially licensed to sell goods of all major sports, including the sports entertainment world of WWE. They go to businesses and try to sell their goods, makes sense so far, hit up some mom and pop shop maybe and see if they want to do business with us. The job isn't 100% commission but it does factor into your salary, wasn't pleased with it but the job I was in I hated. Interview went well, they called me back that afternoon (RED FLAG!!!) to set up a second interview, where I'd ride along with one of their marketing reps.

I was going to roll with Johnny Mack or Mack to his buddies and some Asian kid whose name I can't remember. I pulled up bright and early in the morning to see these marketing people piling shit from a warehouse, which was also their office, into cars...their own cars. Mack is in his 50s, hair more gray than black, overweight and is wearing an ill fitting slacks and dress shirt, the latter with a stain on it. His car was a gray, 2 door sedan with hand crank windows and over 200 thousand miles on it.

I get in and he starts telling me about the job, which couldn't have sounded more different from the initial interview. Basically he spends his day driving around New Jersey going into businesses and trying to sell their goods to random people. We pull up to a laundry mat and he proceeds to pull an RV car, a Giants backpack and a Disney coloring book out of his trunk. We walk in and start soliciting the foreign women doing their laundry. From there we go to a Cash Checking establishment and a shitty convenience store before we are barred from hitting up Dress Barn and we hit the car to leave.

Next stop is this industrial area where one place we go to the guys there ask us if we are with the same company that sold them a shitty toy helicopter that broke after a few uses, even though Mack assured them we weren't they weren't biting on the RV car. We head further back and sell a backpack to two Hispanic gentlemen in a burned out shed who were doing something with metal. We are then kicked out of the same sweat shop twice by the foreman for trying to sell a coloring book to Mexican women working on giant showing machines. Before hitting the car we are almost attacked by a guard dog, thankfully his owner quieted him down, and I start to have an itchy hand which later turns out to be a spider bite.

We hit up McDonald's for lunch where Mack is nice enough to pay for my lunch. He then proceeds to order items off the dollar menu. Since one value meal would've cost more than his thrown together items I too order off the dollar menu. Mack was a dollar menunaire before those commercials even came out.

We head to a very urban area of NJ where we go to a Taxi depot, no one was cracking wise and Tony Danza was no where to be found. From there we go to a dog groomer where while Mack heads out to pick up batteries the owner goes to me "Hard job", so I ask her "Dog grooming?" and she goes "No, your job". I swear to her up and down I do not work for this company and never will.

Mack and I proceed to a barber shop where they are watching Chris Rock videos while guys are getting corn rows put in their hair. He is driving the RV car around while we both get dirty looks, I proceed to join them while they give dirty looks to Mack, even tough I know I look like just as much of a tool as he does. Our final stop is a florist shop run by some nice older people, they are talking with equally friendly and equally old customers. Mack proceeds to tell them I'm from Florida and this is my first time up north. When he walks away to talk to someone else and they ask me if I've ever been to the city I tell them he is a liar, I'm originally from NY and I have no idea why he said that.

The day ends with us driving back after I asked for the umpteenth time to go back to my car. I tell him outright I would never do this job and pretend to put his phone number in my cell and tell him that I'll call him. It might have been one of the worst days of my life, but certainly hilarious looking back on it. There are more small stories I could have thrown in there, but those can wait till another time.

The morally of the story is this...next time you think your job sucks, you could be driving around with Johnny Mack.

Who is the Greatest Action Hero?

The idea came to me at work, which means that today wasn't a total loss. I spend a good deal of my free time at work, when I have any, talking about movies. I love to quote movies, often randomly, so perhaps this topic should have come to mind a bit sooner. Who is the greatest action hero? Does this question even have an answer?

While smacking the idea around at work a couple of names sprang to mind. Now we aren't talking actors but rather the characters. We have Rambo, John McClane, Indiana Jones, James Bond and Jason Bourne. Now those are just a few that came to mind. For sake of sanity I've decided to omit superheroes because that would just devolve into a who can beat who in a fight type discussion and that isn't what this is about.

What makes this interesting is doing it by character, because there are some really great action movie actors but how memorable or kick-ass of a character have they played where they can crack the short completely incomplete list above? Jason Statham has made a name for himself with his action movies but is Frank Martin of The Transporter the greatest action hero ever? I'm going to have to say no.

I've had two people cast their vote for Indiana Jones and I must admit it is hard not to agree. Indiana Jones spent his time kicking the shit out of Nazis, breaking hearts and finding the lost treasures of the world. He was such a sustainable character that he has appeared in four movies, yes four, Kingdom of the Crystal Skull happened. Does he lose points for a disappointing movie or gain points for being so beloved that they brought him back in his fifties?

James Bond spent most of his time not really kicking ass all that much, but his latest incarnation certainly does. Can we really award him the honor for only two Bond movies that can really be called action packed? Rambo is a man against any army you name, where the first one was really a commentary regarding the treatment of Vietnam war vets that devolved into a brutal action packed ass kicking, the rest were merely excuses to get him to shoot the shit out of people.

Jason Bourne was based off Robert Ludlum books and in the movie he does beat a man with a newspaper if I'm not mistaken, that is pretty bad ass. They are recent movies so they haven't yet gotten that nostalgia factor but he is a very good candidate nonetheless.

I've been rambling so much I haven't even mentioned my vote. I give the nod to John McClane, the New York City cop who just continues to be in the wrong place at the wrong time. Some people complain about the over the top shit from the fourth movie, but I feel it was solid enough that it didn't take too much away from it, yes he took out a helicopter with a cop car but that was awesome! The guy spent an entire movie in an office building offing terrorists...barefoot! He stabbed a guy in the eye with an icicle in the second movie and he survives in Harlem wearing a sign that I can't even write here, not to mention offing Hans Gruber's brother.

So there you have it, hopefully this will spark some friendly debate. Yippee-ki-yay, motherfucker!

In Defense of the Summer Blockbuster

I went with Lauren to see Iron Man 2 today and we both loved it, I intend to pick it up as soon as it becomes available on DVD and Bluray. Currently Iron Man 2 is enjoying a rating of 74% fresh at Rottentomatoes.com but if you gloss over the "fresh" comments you may notice a theme. The theme being that these people are expecting way too much from a fun superhero flick.

I know The Dark Knight has shown us that you can get more from a movie where a man dresses up in a costume and fights bad guys, but not every superhero movie needs to go that far. Granted without the proper cast, script or direction you can end up with Ghostrider or Daredevil, but the movie doesn't have to be a psychological profile on good and evil either.

Richard Corliss of Time Magazine writes "[Downey] gives Iron Man 2 its fascination. The rest is a cluttered, clattering toy story." Really? You are sitting down to write a review of a movie based off a comic book where a man dresses up in an iron suit and you're looking for what? Perhaps he can wax poetically regarding the fragility of life after he defeats a foe.

Lisa Schwarzbaum of Entertainment Weekly writes "Downey's head and heart are in the right place, but the movie is more in pieces than whole, and more about iron than about men." Again we have another critic who came into the theater who must have thought her ticket was for The English Patient 2. Rather than adapt to the film they are watching and critique it for what it is trying to bring to the table, we have another critic who is trying to stuff a fun filled summer movie into a mold that it simply wasn't made for.

Iron Man 2 was a fun, action packed movie. It was a sequel that complimented the first in every way. It didn't provide timeless scenes or thought provoking dialogue but it did provide a man in an armor suit kicking ass with rock music blaring. Also, Scarlett Johansson in a tight, black outfit. What more could you want from a summer movie?

No Country for This Man

I have spent a good portion of my life making fun of country music. The belt buckles, cowboy hats, sweet tea, gun racks, NASCAR, etc. When I met my wife the biggest difference wasn't that she was catholic and I wasn't, it was that she enjoyed country music and I found it revolting. Today I just bought tickets to see Tim McGraw and Lady Antebellum.

As I sit here listening to Tim McGraw on Pandora Radio I can't help but thinking how far I've come. I'm not a fan of country music, but lets say I am trying to appreciate it. If I had to point to when it started I would suppose when I met Lauren. If I let her pick what we listened to in the car it invariably would end up being country. I'd make fun of it, but I figured maybe I'd try to find some redeeming quality in it. It wasn't easy when you'd listen to a song like "She Thinks My Tractors Sexy" or "Indian Outlaw".

My parents were big into rock n' roll. I grew up on Clapton, The Beatles, Billy Joel, The Who, The Doors, Jethro Tull, Aerosmith, etc. Mixed in there were the Allman Brothers and Skynard which is where I think the bridge would be between rock and country. Rock wasn't invented by the Beatles, it came from the south, the blues, and somewhere along the line it moved north and became rock and stayed south and became country (that sounded right but I'm sure that isn't 100% accurate).

Just about 3 years of marriage and nearly 7 years together and I can listen to country music without pretending to gag or making believe I'm wearing a giant belt buckle with a steer on it. I can't say it was easy, but I also can't say I hate country music anymore. Hell maybe I'll pick up a cowboy hat for the concert, it would hide my receding hairline.

This is Art?

Today Lauren and I went to see the Tim Burton exhibit at MoMA. I've enjoyed his movies and I have to say I thoroughly enjoyed his art work. I would attempt to describe his work in detail here but I am not an artist myself, nor do I know how to express what it is he does on a cogent manner to do it justice. What I will say is that if you enjoy his movies and the odd almost gothic look of them, you'd really enjoy this exhibit (which closes tomorrow, 4/26/10, and is more than likely sold out).

This was not the only exhibit at the famous MoMA, another prominent artist's work was on display, however I'm not sure how comfortable I am calling it art. Most people have been referring to it as "the naked exhibit" because it does have live naked people on display. It is an exhibit featuring the art of Marina Abramović, I'm not going to go into detail as to who she is because that is why we have Google and Wikipedia, though I will comment on a few bits of her work.

The first time you see her work when you walk into the museum is actually seeing her. It is an exhibit called The Artist is Present, and she is sitting in a wooden chair wearing a full length single color dress and staring across the table at anyone who wants to sit and be apart of the exhibit. Right from the get-go I'm already scratching my head. What about this is art? What is she trying to say and is it anything worth listening to? The visitor is allowed to do what they want but generally they do exactly what she is doing, sitting, staring across the table and not talking. They claim you can do whatever you want, a part of me wanted to wait in line to be able to sit there and talk about the NFL draft with her and see what her feelings were on the Jets trading Leon Washington for a 5th round pick, but I did not.

The next part of her exhibit is upstairs and is contains nudity, hooray! This was the most uncomfortable nudity I have ever witnessed. I wonder if that was the point, because as I walk into the room containing a nude woman on a wall with a square spotlight on her I'm completely baffled as to what to do. I don't want to make eye contact with her because what am I going to do, smile and say "hey"? Perhaps that is the point.

She has other work that does not involve nudity and are equally baffling. There is a 20 minute video of her eating a raw onion and lamenting about life. I'm not sure what the difference would be if I filmed myself eating a cupcake and talking about the weather, but what do I know? There is another video of her and her collaborator at the time yelling at each other, which is next to a video of them making out, which is around the corner from a video of her screaming while laying on a bed upside down. Confused yet?

The difficulty I have with this is that I'm not sure I would call it art. You can argue that my definition of art is narrow minded, which might be true. I have a very set definition in my head of what constitutes art, or at the very least what I believe constitutes art. To me, watching a nude man run into a giant rubber band until he can't go any further and then running back where he started and doing it all over again ad infinitum, this is not art.

In the end art is subjective and this is only one man's opinion. However, I can't help but think any one can do what this woman does, as long as they can do so with a straight face and come up with a convincing background story as to what it means. With that being said, come see my modern art exhibit which will be me laying in bed trying to fall asleep while explaining why I've never seen a Mighty Duck movie.

Is It Safe?

If there is a God I hope that she is a black, midget, lesbian. Basically it was the only thing I could think of that would really screw with all those ignorant scumbags who use the bible to persecute. What I'm really trying to say is it that this blog will have zero cohesion and might piss a person or two off.

I'm a firm believer in cruel and unusual punishment, I'd like for us to do away with the 8th Amendment. Nothing would make me happier than the brutal sodomizing of someone who killed another person because he or she was gay. Perhaps the forcible removal of a child molesters genitals with rusty pliers while they watch the Wiggles.

There are a few people in this world who if I saw them get hit by a car I'd get a good hearty belly laugh out of it. To further my point, if I saw a man get hit by a car while walking their dog I'd run to make sure the dog was okay first. I might not even get over to the guy to be honest.

I honestly like when I offend people. They say you get more bees with honey but that doesn't make any sense because I believe they are more interested in pollen. I get a rush when I know I've hit a nerve and it takes all of my will power not to continue poking at it.

I promise my next post will actually be coherent.

I Remember When You Were a Secretary

Looking at the calendar that we keep on our fridge I stumbled upon something that enraged me. April 21st used to be Secretary's Day, only that isn't the case anymore. No, it isn't even Administrative Assistant's Day. April 21st is Administrative Professional's Day! Are you fucking kidding me?

I am so tired with the PC world we live in where within a 20 year time span a person can go from being a Secretary to being an Administrative Professional. Two different names, same goddamn job, only one makes it sound like you do more important stuff than bring the boss his coffee and tell him he has a meeting at 3. When did this happen? When did people start making their job titles sound more important then they really are and when did sane people start letting them?

Do you know who picks up my trash? Not a Garbage Man but a Sanitational Engineer! I swear to science I wish I was making this up. How did someone get away with making this change? You pick up garbage, you work with garbage, you are a Garbage Man (and not Garbage Person, when was the last time you saw a woman on the back of one of those trucks?).

Did you know that the man or woman who creeps out your kids at school and puts sawdust on their throw up isn't a Janitor? Nope, he just provides Janitorial Services to the school. Also, the person who shows me how to inflate the life vest under my seat should I need it is a Flight Attendant and not a Stewardess. I'm literally making myself furious typing this blog.

When did our lives become hijacked by this high falutin bullshit language? It had to be within the last 20 years because I'm only 27 and I clearly remember a time before all this horse shit began. This was probably developed by the same people who told 500 pound messes of human waste that it wasn't their fault food is so good, and maybe they should sue the fast food joint.

I hate people...